Tales from the Darkside
19 Years of Marriage as of Today
One time a "friend" offered me an alarm clock. Friend is in quotes cuz she was one of those chicks who continue to see this asshole married man and when he finally, absolutely cuts it off with her again, she calls you at 3 am crying and gets annoyed with you for being sleepy and never calls again. Darn. It hurts my feelings when friends break up with me.
To be fair, the words alarm clock should also be in quotes because it probably would be better referred to as an "Axe Murderer Creation Device."
Or maybe, Alien Machine To Rule The Galaxy.
Or, just The Most Annoying Alarm Clock In The World.
I can't describe the sound it makes (this was 15 years ago but I'm sure it's still alive, I'll explain in a minute) and I'm only halfway through a cup of tea, so I'm not going to bother. You're gonna have to trust me on this one. This thing didn't wake you up annoyed, like when they play bad foreign music on Morning Edition. No. After a couple of nights my husband and I started sleeping with knives under our pillows and what had been cuddling and morning breath became full-on SUPERNATURAL Cat Fights smelling of sulfur and rotted bodies. That clock was possessed by a demon and had us under quite the spell. But when I caught my dear husband in the basement sawing off his shotgun before bed, I knew the thing had to go.
I just had a garage sale recently. I think I posted some stuff on Twitter, though I'm trying to block the whole experience. Like how my husband had to run a chick off for being obnoxious and rude. Like, literally: "Ma'am, get off my property. I have a sawed-off shotgun and it's still loaded."
Still loaded cuz we got rid of the alarm clock (see what I did there, how I brought that around, yeah) at our garage sale. I hate garage sale people. They make me feel invaded, from the bargaining to the small talk. My feeling about garage sales is the same as anyone else's though.
You never know what you're going to find.
Looking back, I don't know why we didn't just smash the clock with our sledge hammer. We were doing a lot of home demo at the time and yeah, we actually had one. (For the record, it didn't fit under my pillow very well.) I think the demon inside it wouldn't let us...maybe...the whole thing is kind of fuzzy. But it went away under the arm of someone who talked us down to a quarter and happy married life returned to our home again, lo these 19 years.
As of today. (If you missed that bit.)
Happy Anniversary, honey, I love you. Psycho alarm clocks and all.