don't even bother reading this, it's all stupid bullshit anyway

Take a swim on over to my friend's site. She found something hilarious to share. Which one is your favorite? Mine is:

Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

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Today's horoscope:

This is a bumpy path you're on. Don't worry if you trip from time to time.

Fucking path. Somebody should put up a sign or something.

And my workout horoscope. Why the stars are concerned with my workouts, I don't know, but apparently they are. These are quite detailed.

The 1st through the 5th, you are at the start of the rest of your healthier than ever life! You've reconsidered and revamped. You've tossed the sugary sodas and plugged in the juicer. You're chugging carrot juice. Carrot Juice? I wonder how that goes with vodka... You're chewing linseeds. What the fuck are linseeds and why am I only chewing them? Do I swallow or spit? You're pumping iron and monitoring your pulse. Fuckin' A I am. I couldn't get my heart rate above 120 today and I was goin' at it. Ok, on the bike. Get your mind out of the gutter. My resting heart rate is so low that I'm practically frickin' dead. Hmm, I wonder if Pete could bring it up? You're de-stressed, not at all depressed and you're eating less. Not bloody likely. Wow! What a difference a healthy lifestyle makes, especially on the 8th and 9th! When's the last time you felt this good? Last night after my fifth beer. The 11th, you might add something else to your regime. Are you taking up a new sport? Today somebody did ask me to do a triathalon. "HA!" I said. I'll say it again, "HA!" I don't bike, run or swim (God, I really canNOT swim) so which part of the triathalon were they expecting me to do? Now if there was a triathalon that consisted of beer, wine and whiskey... then I'd be a fucking world record holder. So what other new sport shall I take on, around the eleventh? Any ideas out there?

I do have to laugh though because much of this is true. I've been working out like a fiend. I worked out for nearly THREE hours on Monday. Three. Today was two. I'm kickin' ass and not takin' names. Or is it kickin' ass and takin' names? Never can remember. Also, I'm currently sharing the weight room with what can only be our high school football team. These kids are immense. They're little scammers too, the randy bastards.

Kids get big so damn fast. Have I mentioned how my six year old is only a foot shorter than me? He's gonna be freakin' huge. How that huge a kid ever sprung from these teensy loins, I'm sure I don't know.

See, I said don't bother. It's all stupid bullshit - it's fucking ramblings and musings is what it is. Oh God the horror.

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What?? You can't stop now. It's just getting good.

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Pete (that cute young thang who looks like Jim Morrison... Let's all take a moment to reflect on Pete looking like Jim Morrison, shall we? See, isn't all the bad stuff gone from your mind? Aren't you all more relaxed? I am. Horny, but relaxed - but so what else is new, right?) ANYWAY, Pete (ahhh) requested an update on Dumbgasm.

He (Dumbgasm, not Pete) hasn't been up to much, though he's trying to get several friends together on a houseboat this summer for a week. 300 bucks a loser. Doesn't that sound like a lot? I think it sounds like a lot to spend a week on some crappy old houseboat with a bunch of repressed gay college guys who have bad hair and don't drink. Have I mentioned how they don't drink? However, I don't dare post his link now lest you all leave comments indicating your wish to attend. Oh, and tonight he posted this note with a pic:

Quite possibly the cutest photo of a kitten ever. Don't look directly at it, it is too cute. http://www.cutelittlekittens.com

It is cute, I guess, if you're totally gay. (I'm rather enjoying this. I haven't called anybody gay as an insult since 1987, when this asshole took my last cigarette. Oh, but I called him a fag who always steals my fags. Talk about huge. That kid was huge.)

He (Dumbgasm, not Pete) also is still working on his "big move."

I moved some clothes into the garage tonight. I'm getting closer, and as I think that it is getting warmer, indeed it is not. Today it snows. Perhaps I will postpone my moving out for a later date. After spring break it is usually nice.

(This is one of those times when I'm having a little struggle with not editing the crap out of his paragraph.)

No worries, Peter. As events unfold, you can rely on SS@S to keep you up to date!

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For those of you who are running out of time, a warning. Don't have children. Once you have children an hour becomes forty-five minutes long. Am I right, TG? I don't know where that quarter-hour goes but it's gone. Probably to Paris Hilton. Like she doesn't have enough of, oh, everything. Bitch.

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And finally, for those of you brave enough to play Question Tag (bwahahaha)I'll post questions in a day or so. Oh, and Jack, I'll try not to make them lame.

10 comments:

That Girl said...

Oh, THANK GOD. Talk about over reacting. I haven't even read your post, I'll do it later, YOU WERE LOST. For TWO hours! I thought you lost your blog! Like Happy & Blue. Greg said he saw you, Jack didn't respond. I was helpless! But, now, here you are. Phew! Like having a friend abducted is the only way I can describe it! Well, maybe not, but it was traumatic.

sex scenes at starbucks said...

Never fear, I'm here. Damn. Weird. Guess I was at the gym when that happened.

Fucking blogger.

Man, I know I'll pay for that. They're gonna make me pay for saying that. But I can't help it. Fucking blogger.

Jack said...

"Do I swallow or spit?"

Swallow, I hope.

"Oh, and Jack, I'll try not to make them lame."

God damn well better not. I'm very serious on this point.

sex scenes at starbucks said...

Jackie, you're just pissy today. Thoughts of backrubs, babe, backrubs and wall sex headed your way. Sex promises it'll be better soon.

Greg said...

omg look at those kittens. My gosh! I wonder what it'd look like if i dressed one up in a cute little japanese kimono and threw him against the fucking wall.

Sorry for that, I just had to prove my hederosexuality. But just between me and you, I flipped through about 20 pictures before I had enough. Shutup, at least i didn't touch myself.

Jack said...

Hey, kitties are cute, end of story. Sexuality aside, who doesn't love a cute kitty? Fascists and Nazis, that's who!

That Girl said...

Ok, finally read. Hope you've all "finished" by now. Don't want to be a peeping tom. Yes, sex, you are right. An hour is not an hour, a day is a full 12 hours instead of 24, A month feels like a week, and luckily, before we know it, for some of us, they'll be out of the house!

Ole Blue The Heretic said...

That bitch Paris " It's all about me" takes everything.

You work out how long and still want sex? Do you have a sister?

Kittens are cute and good to eat. Maybe I am thinking of something else, I will shut up now. ;->

I am really starting to worry about this obssesion with Dumbgasm. Do you somehow envy him?

jake said...

ooh. a houseboat trip with a bunch of confused boys. count me in. wait i just remembered that I have to get a bikini wax that week. damn. oh and I have to run my legs through a tree chipper. sorry I can't make it.

sex scenes at starbucks said...

kitties grow up and piss on fine antique aubusson carpets.

Blue - No sister, sorry. But yeah on the working out and sex. I'm up to seven hours this week and I'm freakin' horny all the time. I blame Jack and Greg. Oh yeah, and PHF.

As far as Dumbgasm, nothing I do has an underlying emotion. Motive, perhaps, but not emotion. Not jealous, just mocking.

Jake - yeah, me too on the tree chipper thingy. See ya there!