do you want to play a game?

It's Question-Tag. I'm answering Brandy's questions that she posted for me on her site. If you want to play you can answer my questions, individualized, and you post on your site with the same offer. In that way we can get spread this game through Blogland like herpes through the porn industry. (If my answers are boring, blame Brandy - her questions!) (Just kiddin' ya, Brandy.)

1. Have you ever cheated on a boyfriend or husband? If yes why?
Not technically. (He would think yes, I would say no.) Why? Because the alternative was way hot and way available. What the hell was his name?? What a great night. Nothing like multiple orgasms on top of a rousing game of chandeliers. We partied all the time together freshman year, slept together - well, passed out together, and finally did the nasty. Hmm. Good times. Still partied but quit the sex. Don't know why. Oh yeah, PHF came along.

2. Describe the lowest point in your life and how you overcame?
Lincoln Jr High, Naperville, IL. I overcame by going to high school (Central, if anyone cares). The second day I was standing around out in the hall waiting for a late teacher with the other students and I cracked some joke and everyone laughed. A cute football player boy told me I was pretty funny. I made friends with some of those people, another cute boy flirted with me, and the horror of Jr High Geekness was forever banished. Been flirting and teasing and joking ever since.

3. Do you believe more in God or Luck, explain?
Are the two mutually exclusive? I don't really think so. Interesting that you should bring this up. I'm about to embark upon a period of questioning religion - I feel it coming on. I'll try to spare you blogfolks as much as I can. However, right now this is where I am: I think most of the terminology and rituals and explanations only serve to put a human spin on that which we cannot comprehend. I don't have much hope for true understanding and I'm not sure if it matters. I think the concept of Luck is tied to the concept of Fate, and I think both are basically bullshit. God (or the Universal Consciousness, Allah, or Collective Us -pick your flavor) has got better shit to do.

4. What is the worst thing you have ever done to someone one you loved?
No one single thing, but several small ones. I regularly argue with my mother. I don't play with my kids. I've done nothing in this life or previous to deserve PHF, and I continue to do much which should negate it. An ordinary man would have run away screaming long ago. Fortunately PHF has had way worse done to him, so he thinks I'm cake.

5. What is the worst thing you have ever done to someone you disliked.
I took down an asshole that PHF used to work with. He didn't lose his job or anything, but I made him show his true colors in a social situation in front of his coworkers. They enjoyed it and we laughed at his expense later. That's the only thing I can think of right off. But mostly if I don't like you I ignore you until you go away. And that can be pretty damn bad, I'm told.

And I love questions, so here is another. SS@S's newest friend (read: victim) Neurotic Monkey inquires:

Also you seem to get a lot into a day: writing, yogurt eating, working out, running, tantalizing webnerds, parenting, sex (both real and imaginary), bantering with bloggers. You're like Kelly Ripa, minus the whole threatening restraining order against me. So I have to ask: What's your secret? Would you say it's Opium, or more likely the blood of a virgin princess? The reason I ask is because I have a cousin who swears by the opium, but I recently read an article in Maxim that said I should give the blood thang a try. I would just like your opinion.

My days are busy indeed. I do have a few secrets that involve neither of your suggestions, though the blood thingymabob sounds mighty interesting. Everyone knows that Maxim is the be-all end-all of how to make your way in this crazy world (fuck that Simple Life. Maxim has it all over Simple Life).

1. Absurdly expensive bras.
If I can make myself look like I've got some semblence of breasts quickly and without much fanfare, the whole day goes better.

2. I watch no tv.
Except for one hour late at night which was taped by Tivo. I watch nearly nothing popular except for Scrubs and Alias, which is why I'm so attracted to you. Besides getting off on your sexy on-line Voice, I am actually just using you for your knowledge and opinion of popular media so I can nod at the right times during conversations about the latest Bachelorette. You think I jest, but I've heard of exactly one movie that won an Oscar. Instead, I watch weird shit like Carnivale and Keen Eddie and MI5 and the occassional Inspector Morse. I watch weird, bad movies too. Oh, and the porn, of course.

3. I sleep very little.
What time I spend in bed is mostly taken up in bestowing exquisite sexual favors upon my darling PHF or watching tv. Sometimes I read in bed. And eat crackers. (It's a deal-breaker with PHF - the crackers - so I can only do it when he's out of town and then blame the crumbs on our darling chilluns when he gets home. Also, shhh, just between you and me, I eat them on HIS side of the bed so my side stays clean, though if you tell anyone I'll deny it and then have you killed by La Femme Nikita.)

4. We raise our kids up to be independent.
It's called benign neglect and more parents should try it. My kids know my writing is work and respect it pretty well. They're pretty fun too, and love all the same stuff we do. Especially the babysitters. We ALL love the babysitters. Babysitters rock.

5. Must write. No choice. Yada yada yada - you've all heard this one before. I can do it with kids yelling at me, I can do it in five minute spurts, I can sit for four hours and do it, I can write fiction and read blogs at the same time. Two machines, no waiting.

6. I have nearly the same urge to work out as I do to write. Must go to the gym and scam thirty-something dads and twenty-something lifeguards. Must lift weights so as to kick asses of people who annoy me.

7. And there's Jack and Greg. Must keep in touch with them on a near daily basis. They keep me hip and horny.

Shit does get neglected. Like laundry. (I'm currently waiting for the "uh, honeeey, could you do laundry so I can have socks again" talk.) And bills. Hate to do the bills and put them off as long as possible. I also have my house cleaned every week. See, I said I've done nothing to deserve a man like PHF.

And there you have it; answers to all the serious questions I can handle in one night. Warning: My questions won't be so generously thoughtful and deep, and there will, of course, be a special little SS@S spin on the game. Can't win if you don't play!

10 comments:

pete said...

You are just a godesss! I will try all of these things, except I will trade opium for coke! I have been trying the expensive bra thing and it has been working pretty well! thanks for the tips

sex scenes at starbucks said...

I haven't forgotten your request for a Dumbgasm update, Pete. Check back tomorrow.

Greg said...

Me on the other hand, i feel a bit sexier wearing absurdly expensive g-strings. I like the feeling of thin silky spandex carving its way through my ass cheeks. But thank you for all the insights sex.

I'll take you up on your offer sex. Ask me questions. You can throw in at least one or two deep questions cuz you know I like that sort of thing, but other than that shoot away.

The Neurotic Monkey said...

Ask away. Just don't pose any questions about my involvement in the communist party between the years 1953-1961. For security reasons, y'see.

Krypto said...

What the hell. Anything to piss off The Russian (he's waiting on post about our latest titty bar adventure).

Inland, Dreaming said...

You are right about expensive underwear. I recommend Christina's in Boulder--they have the best stuff.

Though why is it that the pretty embroidered bras are so scratchy? I want soft pretty bras.

Hey, I want some questions too. Do i just answer the ones you answered, or do you send them to me?

sex scenes at starbucks said...

Pete - btw, you are a god, too. *winkwink*

Greg - Thx for the g-string imagery. And you are getting questions whether you asked for them or not. So is Jack.

Manic - exclusion noted. No communism.

Krypto - Yea! I was hoping you'd play. And I'm waiting for a post too!!

Inland - ah, a particular challenge in that I know you. BTW, your last post was gold. Look for a link to it here soon, guys.

I'll post the questions in another post, I guess, and you answer them on your blog. That way everyone has to hunt around our blogs for the answers.

Jack said...

Damn. I was hoping to stay out of this and remain ever a mystery... Oh well. Make them good questions. Nothing too lame please.

Bella said...

That was great! I love the questions and the anwers. :) Mind if I visit for a while?

sex scenes at starbucks said...

Jack - it's Sex Scenes at Starbucks, right? 60% truth, remember? You'll always be my mystery-man.

Bella - stay as long as you like, but I'll warn you, there are chores! These guys never pick up after themselves.