i let them eat cake for breakfast and they didn't even finish their milk

Fuck yogurt. I'm searching for the perfect yogurt and I'm convinced that it doesn't exist.

I am meant to eat yogurt. It is good for me. It has much calcium and nutrients which my diet lacks. Also, I am meant to eat more protein because I lift so much, and yogurt has some protein. Apparently the popcorn, chips, toast, cereal and beer aren't cutting it. Fuck protein. Protein is something you have to cook. And it takes up all your daily calories in something that's not cake or something else that's bad for your body and good for your mouth. I'm five feet tall. I don't get that many calories to burn, even with all the exercising. I sure as hell don't want to waste it on boring old baked chicken or something like that. Fuck that.

The yogurt I'm trying today 9right now in fact - i'm typing with one hand0 is banana creme. It is neither bananaey, nor creamy. And the chunks of bananas are cold and kind of hard. One thing in life I hate in life is cold bananas. They're disappointing somehow. They're tastless and cruchy. Bananas are meant to be firm with some give - temperate and not squishy; definitely not crunchy. I can only think of one analogy for the right banana so I'm gonna go ahead and venture it. The perfect banana is like a well-sexed cock, right at the point before I've touched it this go round. He's still got a bit of give to him, but not for long.

I suck at analogy, remember? Fuck analogies.

**

But I still need a minute.

**

I've been on strawberry and banana yogurt for a long time now. It's an old standby. But it's kinda tart. Strawberries aren't my thing. Actually, fruit, besides bananas, aren't really my bag at all. I wonder if there is a veggie yogurt? And don't even begin to recommend plain or vanilla. Ger-oss. That's what you give babies; not grown people with actual taste buds.

I'm getting over the strawberry and banana thing. First, they're everyone's favorite and hard to find at the store. Second, it's kinda tart.

Oh, I said that already. Apologies, yada yada. Well, shit, what do you expect? It's a post on yogurt, not world peace.

I think that's all I've got on yogurt for now.

**

Nope. Thought of something else. One bite of bad yogurt is a deal breaker. I had one once and yogurt spent a year trying to entice me back into its creamy embrace.

Ok, that's it. I'm done.

**

Jack-olote - thanks for the Monday Morning imagery. Yummalicious. And no, I'm not stealing your titling method - this one is actually a thinly veiled private joke between me and PHF. He came in here when I was typing this and laughed.

Jeez, it's probably bad form to flirt with a guy over the internet and mention your husband in the same paragraph, huh? The men in my life are so tolerant.

**

I ran for two of five minutes yesterday on the treadmill and I'm sore. Fuck running.

23 comments:

That Girl said...

Drink Muscle Milk. GOOD stuff, not chalky and gross, no fruit, 32g protein.

No tolerance for running. HATE running. Watching the little bitches at the gym who run for an hour pisses me off.

I've always typed with one hand. Only shift and control with the other. (I'm sure someone will take that sentence and run with it...)

Lunatic said...

That's funny, I was just thinking this sounded like a Jack post when you threw that disclaimer in there. I think he is "rubbing" off on you. (That was a masturbation pun for those of you not so swooft)

Blueberry kicks ass.

That Girl said...

...you following me tonight?

Jack said...

This seemed me-inspired, what with the high level of "Fuck [insert thing being fucked here]" sentences. Cool cool.

We should make this a Monday tradition.

The Neurotic Monkey said...

I share your sentiments of Fuck Yogurt & Fuck Running. Although, oddly enough, I've been able to combine my dual hatred for these two things and use it help out my exercise regiment. I hire an attractive giantess to dress up like a giant cup of Yogurt and scream things in German at me while I'm running. It really motivates me. But then, clearly I have dairy issues.

Also you seem to get a lot into a day: writing, yogurt eating, working out, running, tantalizing webnerds, parenting, sex (both real and imaginary), bantering with bloggers. You're like Kelly Ripa, minus the whole threatening restraining order against me. So I have to ask: What's your secret? Would you say it's Opium, or more likely the blood of a virgin princess? The reason I ask is because I have a cousin who swears by the opium, but I recently read an article in Maxim that said I should give the blood thang a try. I would just like your opinion.

Greg said...

Happy monday sex, hell yeah it's 11:53 i got you back just in time. Funny, I wasn't "feeling" it tonight so i strolled over here looking for inspiration, again. Yogurt. Great fucking inspiration sex... But you can read about it on my site.

Tony Falcon said...

When I was 19, the first "admitted" lesbian I ever knew told me that yogurt reminded her of a woman's "love juice." I couldn't quite make the connection at the time. Still don't see it now... But I LOVE one and really like the other! I just add a few peanuts to my Dannon blueberry and cherry... for variety.

Branshine said...

I hate milk to the point I choose to eat my cereal with water, sick right?

I posted your questions...

sex scenes at starbucks said...

tg- muscle milk. hmmm. i have an abiding suspicion of drinking my nutrients.

lunatic- Jack always rubs me the right way. as far as the blueberry - it must be a man thing - see Tony below.

jacko- i didn't intend to sound like you, but it somehow happened. must have been all the chocolate on your gloriously hairless body. you always inspire me to new depths, babe.

manic- clearly. as for your query, see upcoming post.

greg- i'm humbled by your kind regard. and something about yogurt makes me think of you. dunno why.

Tony - I get it and that's just damn gross. In your case, I'd say, ignorance is bliss. thanks for stopping in though.

T Kwong said...

I like my dairy products a lot, but I'm from midwestown so that's probably okay.

Running rules your faces. Running on treadmills, however, is for chumps who are to fuck-ass lazy to move their sloth-enhanced legs outside; stupid, stupid, stupid.

-Thomas

sex scenes at starbucks said...

brandy - I'm workin on it. Deep, man, deep.

RunTomRun - I agree with the treadmill thing. And I can't run straight for some fucking reason so one leg is always going wonky off the thing. I'm a frickin clutz on the thing. Three cheers for th ground.

Ole Blue The Heretic said...

Muscle milk with milk and some fruit is terrific. I even put tomato in sometime.

I have been noticing a lot of sexual imagery not just from your blog, but many blogs lately. I might have to write about that later tonight

Jack said...

Water in cereal??? You sick fuck.

Ole Blue The Heretic said...

Jack,

I used to love it when I would go into the army chow hall, the milk always tasted odd to me, so I would put orange or grapefruit juice over my cereal. Loved it!

That Girl said...

Muscle milk is a chocolate shake. I HATE regular milk. Eat cereal DRY, everyday, in the car.

Greg said...

Fuck all you milk haters. I hope a cow sits on you and suffocates the life out of you with his utters.

Ole Blue The Heretic said...

So Greg a person would be utterly suffocated under the weight of the cows udders which, utterly, may be sad but fun to watch.

That Girl said...

Calm down Greg! Where is this all this anger coming from? Were you breast fed?

Greg said...

Haha that girl. Yes I was breast fed, proud of it!

sex scenes at starbucks said...

So Greg a person would be *utterly suffocated under the weight of the cows udders which, utterly, may be sad but fun to watch.

Nice one. Haha, I get it. Jeez, took me all day.

Everyone CALM down about the milk. Please. Thank you.

sandy said...

Yogurt. Dannon, Fruit On the Bottom. It's the only way for me. I have to mix it up, bring the berries up and swirl them around. Enough of that Dannon Light shit. My so-called-friend who works out religiously once pointed out that my FOtB yogurt has as many calories as a Twix candybar and why don't I just shove one of those down my throat instead if I'm so hungry.

I do not talk to her anymore. That bitch.

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