it's like running your balls over a bare blade

Since when have we decided that hair is not good? It's not like I've got a hairy back or nostrils or something, but the cultural shaving requirements are getting way out of hand. PHF would agree. In wintertime he wears a goatee (don't try this at home - most guys look like douchebags with a goatee) and the trimming and shaving and shaping drives him nuts. But I like it, so he does it. He likes my legs smooth (among other places) so I do it too. But I always miss a spot so then I got this ruffly strip on my frickin' leg all day. Irritates the hell out of me.

And plucking eyebrows? Christ. Yeah, I follow the crowd, but not often enough. Hey, don't judge. Yanking out eyebrow hairs makes me cry.

I used to not shave often enough either. Now I do it every time I shower, automatically. Dunno if I cared less about being hairless in my twenties, or maybe I'm just getting more swarthy and hairy in my old age. I'm kind of hairy - and it's dark too (not that you can tell by the hair on my heady-head-head), so even when I shave reeeal good I always think I've got a shadow in my pits.

And are you supposed to shave your thighs? Shaving thighs... hey, that's a good tongue-twister when you're drunk. Try it. Shaving thighs shaving thighs shaving thighs thaving shives thaving shithes. Actually, it's a good finger-twister for typing when you're sober. Anyway, shaving thighs doesn't seem to work for me. The hair is too soft to shave off. But I do it anyway.

I know some hairy people. My brother has a hairy back. Speed Racer and I get my hair cut by the same chick and her arms are way hairy. She's sort of monkey-like that way. My monkey is way hairy, and yes I realize that could be taken in a myriad of ways but I mean my daughter MonkeyLass. She was covered in a dark, downy coat for about a year after she was born, and she still has a little patch where her tattoo will someday go; right above her future thong (Cryp - that's a g-string for you, I ain't talkin' about an ankle). It's passed down through the mother's line, apparently I had major hair on my ears when I was born. I'll hasten to add that it's mostly gone now.

My arms are a little hairy, but fortunately the hair bleaches out in the summer from the sun. Well, maybe that's not so good. I get tan in summer, really quite dark, and so then I suppose it looks like I've got this pale halo on my arms, huh? And then in winter, when I'm all pale, the hair is dark brown and probably is really obvious. Great. Never thought of it that way before just now. Jebus, how I love self-discovery on the internet.

Then there's the whole issue of shaving "down south." Uh, ok, well, yeah. I'll go with: I take off a fair amount. Never got up the guts to do the whole shabang. For one, I can't see it or really reach it all that well. Hell, if I could, what would I need PHF for?

Somehow a few years back this subject came up in a bar. The general consensus among the guys was that they liked it bare-assed naked, so to speak.

I protested going to the supreme lengths required by their petty sexual pleasure. "It's not like shaving your calf or your cheek, you know. There's... grooves and ridges and crevices and... dampness... that make for a tricky operation."

One of the brilliant drunk blokes told me to, "Use a mirror."

To which I replied, "You take a blade to the back of your business using a fogged up hand-mirror and then we'll talk."

I think I was thirty years old before I realized that chicks waxed down there. I knew people waxed other places, of course, but there?? Even with all the porn the thought just never occurred. Why would someone put themselves through it just to be more attractive or sexy. I'd starve myself, get a tattoo, piercings, spend a fortune getting my hair colored, paint my friggin' toenails even in the winter; but getting my pubes (!) ripped out by the roots is not high on my beauty to-do list. Christ, that would hurt like a mother-fucker, wouldn't it? (I'm sure some of you know just how bad it hurts, and if you must share, then go ahead, I guess.) If I were single and pursuing some guy who liked the School Girl Look, then maybe. But I ain't, so I don't have to do that shit.

Really, I shouldn't even broach the topic of "personal shaving." All that ever needed to be said about the shaving "down under" was written by a chick who lives "down under." Her name is Weggly and she's nearly as wild as me.

You can thank me for the link later, Jack, Greg, Cryp, Krypto, Tommy, Lunatic!, Pete, etc...

29 comments:

just a fan said...

Hey sex, I'm going to thank you know before I even try your outbound link--I sure hope it works
oh and thank you for the drunk tounge twister I know its only 9:30 but I've just got to try it!! so Scotch Scotch Scotch I love Scotch! down in my tummy! Scotch Scotch Scotch

T Kwong said...

I'm not going to touch on shaving because I hate it, but do it anyway.

I've resisted being called, "Tommy," my whole life, so don't you start. I've got about thrity other nicknames you could use instead, if that would be better, but for the love of daed baby jokes, not Tommy.

-Thomas

jake said...

The outbound link was a treat. I knew this hippie girl...actually I didn't know she was hippie until we were about to do the dirty dance. The fields on her legs felt like I'm guessing that a man or goat would. (ask Pete, I wouldn't know) I stopped right there got up and left. I'm still young enough that I can be picky.

Ole Blue The Heretic said...

I was reading someone elses blog about waxing people and giving them "brazilians". She said it disgusted her.

I used to shave my head and face for years, my hair is thining so why not. Well after a year of that crap, and since I am living in BFE witha probability of finding a woman I am interested in at 10%, I have not shaved my head nor had a haircut since November, and I now have a well trimmed beared. I think we are over idealizing looks anyway.

Katrina said...

Starbucks,
I'll be honest, I've been "brazilian-ed" for a while now. Waxing is incredibly painful the first time, and increasingly easy from then on. I do it because, well, I have never felt anything softer than that...it's just plain wonderful. Plus, you don't have to worry about any upkeep for weeks. WEEKS. Oh, and the blogger who waxes and is "disgusted" by the whole idea shouldn't, well, be waxing. That's like a cook hating food...ya know? Don't do it, then. Anyway - I think it's great.

Greg said...

mmmm pubic hair.

Speaking about hippie chics who don't shave, it may be totally "free spirit" to let the frizz grow wild but I don't think there's a single guy out there who respects such blatant disregard for hygiene and its not like its much of a "statement" in the first place so for chrissakes shave.

Ahah use a mirror. Hmm, a bare ass naked crotch. Must get cold in the winter. All I have to say is, your vagina is yours, treat it as you'd like.

luke said...

I had a friend who got drunk and made out with a chick with sideburns. THAT was a little scary...

Vir.ti.go said...

All I can say is that waxing hurts more than getting a tattoo and it never gets any better.

sex scenes at starbucks said...

Karl- hmm. went to your site. looks like your new religeon is catching on.

Tomkins - trust me, you'll just wish that you'd said, "Call me Tommy." You know it's done in love, babe.

Kat - a brazillian?? wtf? I'm so out of it when it comes to waxing. is that like a landing strip or what?

sex scenes at starbucks said...

jake - of course you turned down some hairy chick, darling. we know by now how picky you are.

blue - i think it's wise to take a year off or two (or ten) from caring about your looks. i did in my twenties. now i care again. call me shallow. but i don't care enough to wax!!

sex scenes at starbucks said...

Greg - "mmmm pubic hair."

is that a thoughful mmmm, or are pubes now considered some sort of delicacy?

sex scenes at starbucks said...

luke - beer goggles that can even make sideburnes on a chick look good? crap, I want some of that.

V- you know I'm inclined to believe you.

T Kwong said...

Do your worst, sex; ANYTHING is better than Tommy.

-Thomas

pete said...

Luke, as I remeber you were his wingman!!!! Who leaves a man behind in a house of ugly chicks or chicks with facial hair?

In Jakes defense, he couldn't actually see cause we had been drinking for almost 16 hours straight and he just needed a place to stay!! I must also say that sideburns is the only one who truly knows what happened. The funny thing is that he was like 2 blocks from home.

BTW saw sidbuns in the bar last night, she says "HEY"

daniel said...

I don't go much on body hair. I remove a fair whack of mine. The oil and hair follicles combine to produce a haven for bacteria to fuck like rabbits and multiply. Hence B.O.
Well this is a B.O. free zone!!
I’m a little more over-zealous than the average person with it tho – as I train roughly 6 days a week, heavily, in the tropics – so its also a matter of comfort for me.

thx for the linkage!

Lunatic said...

Personally, I think the stuff that you would have to use a mirror to get is the only part that matters. I have been with a chick who didn't really trim any of it and I would kinda drag it in with me when I went inside of her. Does that make sense? Anyway, I kinda liked the extra friction at first but it just ended up rubbing me raw.

The top part, you know on the pubis mound, I am flexible on as long as it doesn't poke out of your bikini(gross). I do like that little landing strip though, it's like lingerie for your labia.

pete said...

Hey sex! I just posted a new blog for you to read in relation to the karl barden comment I think you will enjoy it. Or it will at least explane some shit ;)

sex scenes at starbucks said...

Cryp- "I don't go much on body hair. I remove a fair whack of mine."

details, man, details!!

Greg said...

I wouldn't consider the details of a man trimming his pubic hair over the toilet with scissors as being very tittilating. But then again sex, fetishes typically have no rhyme or reason, huh?

Monkey said...

Shaved or at least nicely trimmed down there makes my hobby (going down) a lot easier and more fun for she and for the Monkey!

me said...

LMAO The shaving or waxing posts always gets a shitload of comments. Mostly guys. I posted a waxing story on 12-19-04, and didn't say a word about WHERE we waxed, but I'll be damned if it didn't just turn everyone on anyway. hehehe

sex scenes at starbucks said...

damn, and here i thought i was being all original and shit...

daniel said...

lmfao greg!

luke said...

pete -- I wasnt gonna actually tell the whole world that it was JAKE with the sideburns chic. thats all on you man. buuuuut--you are right I WAS his wingman. and I did feel REALLY bad for weeks. but in my defense, if you remember, I was cut off a little too far along in a dramatic beer chugging contest...

sex scenes at starbucks said...

Cryp - I guess I wasn't thinking of what you did down south (holy shit, guys do it too? in god's name, WHY??) but maybe legs and pits and such. It was your adorable ausie dialect that sparked my curiosity - "fair whack of mine."

Gets me every time.

Greg's just jealous because besides being half chinese he's still a young pup and probably only has to shave once a week. All sarcasm and scoffing aside, I adore hairless bods. This post was born of a deeply ingrained envy of smooth-skinned folks.

daniel said...

[quote]
Cryp - I guess I wasn't thinking of what you did down south (holy shit, guys do it too? in god's name, WHY??)
[/quote]
To me its more hygenic and comfortable.
The absolute plus is that increases the chances of your balls being sucked 1000% I mean seriously, what is appealing about a furry testicle?

[quote]
but maybe legs and pits and such. It was your adorable ausie dialect that sparked my curiosity - "fair whack of mine."
[/quote]
Yeah.. legs, pits, not bald - but absolute bare minimum. 100 x more comfortable training in the heat.

Inland, Dreaming said...

I had a bikini wax once, and I will never do it again. Not only did it hurt, but it left little blotches of blood, and then a bunch of hair grew back right away. No more waxing for me; I prefer the blade. Or maybe a depilatory.

You shave every day? Damn, you are dedicated.

Tony Falcon said...

I inherited an informant last year that had her pubic area "lasered." I NEVER saw it in the flesh... we found hundreds of digitals on her hard drive. It was AMAZINGLY NEAT. She was very proud of how maintenance-free it was. She could afford those luxuries before she was caught selling "ICE." I think most guys appreciate the work you ladies put into hygiene... (I keep picturing Larry David trying to hark up the pube in "Curb Your Enthusiasm").

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