it's gonna be february and you know what that means

The jewelry commercials are on the radio again. They brag about their mass-produced product, go on about cutters in Hong Kong and all the buying trips abroad to find those perfect heartshaped rubies. All so guys can spend their hard earned money on some piece of crap thing that their fat girlfriend will only wear for a few months until summer hits and styles change again. Maybe they at least get a decent blowjob out of the deal. For their sakes, I hope that's the least that $99.99 will buy.

If PHF ever bought me a heartshaped ruby, I'd divorce him and take him for enough cash to buy myself REAL jewelry, real regular-like.

The worst is this guy from a local jewelry company. He claims to be the owner, and he must be, because no self-respecting marketing rep would hire that voice-over. He sucks the big wang. (If you live here, you know the one.) I cringe everytime I hear his whiny, self-depreciating, smarmy, somebody-please-fuck-me-once-in-my-life voice start up again. We don't care about your imaginary "kids and wife", we know you're gay for crissake. Shut the fuck up about your (also probably made up) trips to Bangkok to buy pearls from the little guy who's the grandson of the guy your grandfather bought from. True or not, we don't care. All we care is if you have a decent diamond and you don't, so get off my airwaves. Christ, if you insist on speaking in the ads, at least get someone in to write them for you.

Lately his drivel consists of something along the lines of, "Valentine's Day is the most romantic day of the year to get engaged..." blahblahfuckingblah. You give a chick a big-ass diamond ring, and poof! It's a bona fide Most Romantic Day. Who the fuck cares what the date is? The chick gets the ring, the guy gets laid. Everybody goes home happy.

Speed Racer and his wife (someone told me to nickname her Bree from Desperate Housewives. I'll go with that, not necessarily for the anal part, but for Bree's tougher characteristics)... anyway, for Valentine's Speed Racer and Bree go to dinner and to whichever really bad movie is playing. What a great tradition - a fun date and a mocking of the holiday in one go. I highly admire mocking with so much aplomb.

PHF and I don't hold much with romance and we don't really do Valentine's Day. We aren't big card or gifty people (whenever he hints that he wants something I say, "CoughcoughRubicon!" He pretty much blew the gift quota for a few years with that one. Come to think of it, whatever he wants usually is something for the Rubicon, anyway.)

One of the funniest things he ever said was a few years back when a holiday was coming up we were looking for cards for someone else. He picked out a card and showed it to me. "Here, this is the card I would get you if I ever bought you cards."

I about peed my pants from laughing in the middle of Target. That's good humor, which to me makes for good romance.

Today he asked me if he was supposed to get me something for Valentine's Day. I told him, "I was going to say that we should do nothing, but by asking you pretty much just screwed yourself. Big and bright and expensive, fuck-you-very-much."

He would read this and laugh his ass off though because he's bought me some really fine jewelry in the past, like diamond studs for when I had my first kid. Usually I just have to show him something and eventually he gets it for me.

We call Valentine's a Hallmark holiday, meaning that while they might not have invented it, they perpetuate the damn thing. Like all the other stores do at Christmas, and now Halloween, too, damn it. Can't they just leave it the fuck alone, already!! (Ash Wednesday is the last untouched holiday. Even Easter has been fucked over by marketing departments across the country.)

So who's with me? Let's pretend that Feb. 14 is just another day. Let's leave stacks of dusty, sappy cards in their red envelopes; reams of fading ribbon at the craft shops; buckets of blackening roses at Flowers.com; expensive, sub-par restaraunts vacant and echoey; and piles of glittery, crappy jewelry in the case where it belongs.

Let's all stay in and have a good fuck instead. That's what I'd call an excellent Valentine's gift.


25 comments:

Monkey said...

I love the way you think and write - you're always a joy to read and make me laugh.
Hope you had a great weekend!

Jack said...

Here mother fucking here.

sex scenes at starbucks said...

Monkey, *blush*, thank you. (Can't believe I just did that whole gesture thing, but you bring it out in me, Monkey.)

Jack, gee, somehow I knew you'd be on board with this.

T Kwong said...

I hate those god damn jewlery comercials too. Really, I hate diamonds too. mostly because I hate mother fucking DeBeers with a passion that will never die.

I'll be joining your ignoring of Valentine's Day (single and bitter, awesome!), but I already promised my show on the 17th would be dedicated to anti-Valentine's music, so I guess that counts as an acknowledgement.

Fuck.

-Thomas

Todd said...

Personally, I like the fact that Tom Shane does his own commercials and that they're less glitzy and polished than most things you hear on the radio. Mass marketing has almost totally eliminated the human element of creating and selling a product. Plus, I appreciate that service is such a big deal to them. In our mass produced Wal-Mart world, it's nice to see that some people are still interested in service over price.

Your "let's pretend" comment sounds a lot like the annual Buy Nothing Day organized by Adbusters. Beth and I have participated 4 years straight now, although we had to cheat a little in 2004, because we had no way to eat other than to buy food. I agree Christmas has turned into another "Hallmark holiday" and just an excuse for whiny kids across America to guilt-trip their suburb-dwelling SUV-driving soccer moms into buying them lots of throwaway plastic toys from China. I've been trying for years to simplify to what I think would be the ideal Christmas - one and only one hand made (by me), personalized gift for each loved one, and that's it. But it's tough, especially when you're so inept at building nice stuff. About the only things I'm good at making are food and music. But it's tough to give someone 1000 miles away a deliciously grilled steak for Christmas, and nobody except the cat and I like the songs I write.

Inland, Dreaming said...

Yeah, we should all learn to sew and build crafty little birdhouses to give to each other.

Valentine's Day is a totally fake holiday. I like getting cards, though. Insist on it, in fact.

sex scenes at starbucks said...

Ok, if you *must* acknowledge the day, draw up your nasty-dance-partner a card.

As far as Tom Shane - still don't like him. I would give up buying new jewelry if I never had to hear his creepy voice again. He rubs me like a tag in a new shirt.

sex scenes at starbucks said...

btw, nice gdfhtml in the comments. impressive. you damn engineers know all the fancy-schmancy moves.

Jack said...

Tag in a new shirt... Excellent analogy!

Lunatic said...

I make it a point to do something on the 13th and/or the 15th. I don't need no Hallmark mother fuckers tellin' me when to buy shit and when to get laid.

Valentine's is for the jackasses who don't pay attention to their women the other 364.

Greg said...

My mom is going to be my valentine. Once again. And if I don't buy her flowers, she might not feed me.

pete said...

I don't know, I kinda like Valentine's Day It's fun to see all the insecure girls squrming and wishing and hoping that they can have their feelings validated, by a cheap rock on a cheaper chain. I used to deliver flowers on the big day, and it was amazing how much a guy would spend on a girl. It wasn't uncommon to deliver 200-250 dollar flower arrangements to a fat girl. (if you wonder how im felling about that right now hop on over to my blog ;) It is amazingly cheap if you think about it--it takes no thought because the radio will be reminding us for weeks, if you only spend 250 a year on making your girl happy i think that is a cheap date! so to all you girls with low self esteem who wait all year to see if your man loves you, GOOD LUCK. I know I will be giving a used birthday card to say I didn't forget, but I will not give in to corprat bull-shit to tell me when and how to love my girl!

Anonymous said...

jeez, greg, you're so goddamn sweet i think i'm gonna barf up my russel stovers.

Pete - clearly, you crave some lovin' between some big, chocolate-lovin' thighs, babe. (tee hee, couldn't resist. my bad.)

Anonymous said...

Jack - high praise from the master of analogy himself!
Thanks!!

Lunatic - you did your favor for the year. you're off the hook.

Anonymous said...

Tommy... can I call you tommy? well, I'm gonna anyway (why do I have the feeling this is humorous for Jack?) -your show sounds right up my alley. it's not just about not participating in valentine's day, but also scoffing and mocking the holiday and its participants at every turn. Well done, sir!

daniel said...

Why don't more girls want a good rumpy-pumpy and less jewelry for the hallmark holiday?

PHF is 1 x lucky soldier!

Jack said...

Maybe because you refer to it as "rumpy-pumpy".

daniel said...

only when I'm being intimate.

Ole Blue The Heretic said...

I worked at a jewelry store part time for a few years and sold hundred of heart shaped rubies, although they tended to be synthetic, not the "real" thing. I want to laugh hysterically and mumble crazy things when I see these “Valentines” heart pendants.

Valentines Day is another merchant driven holiday; it is all about the money.

sex scenes at starbucks said...

cryp knows he can call it whatever he wants and it gets me bothered.

i don't have a regular "thang" with him like i do with you, jack

Vir.ti.go said...

I don't believe that you would EVER give up jewelry. You like the good stuff to much and PHF knows better than to ever buy you a piece of crap. Don't be surprised though if you someday get a Walmart special from The Great. It's just the kind of thing that kids think is wonderful.

daniel said...

[quote]a regular "thang"[/quote]

Ooh. I don't even know what that is! Noone's stepping on your toes Jack.

sex scenes at starbucks said...

no worries, Cryp. Jack and I have an "open" relationship.

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