to hell and back in nine days

Went to see the extended fam over the holidays. For us that means (since everyone else lives in the same state) more driving than visiting. With all the driving we spent 300 bucks in gas and approximately 42 minutes with each family.

Holy Jebus I'm HUGE!! (No, that's not a typo. That's how my very clever niece says Jesus in Jesusland, and I stole it. Say it out loud. It's funny.) I have to go work out and starve myself for two weeks per beer, which will end up taking the better part of 2005. I guess I forgot to pack my willpower, because everytime a family member wandered near with a beer I grabbed and guzzled (G&G). It's a bad habit I've got, as anyone in my playgroup can tell you.

Let's see: I think I'll recap backwards since that's how I recall it. Plus, I'm going to run out of steam soon so why waste a lot of time trying to recall things I went through ten days ago (especially when the time in between was filled with much beer and a mind-numbing amount of food.)

An hour ago:
Finishing sorting laundry. I've got enough to run through the rest of the year now, so no one needs to bring me any more.

PHF disposed of the requisite dead mouse in a trap.

Showered (had to wash the Kansas off me).

Put up a Christmas tree, sans ornaments, so the kids can start bothering us on a more regular, annoying basis about exactly what they want for Christmas; replete with accompanying suspicion and guilt that we're raising two spoiled brats. Ahh, the holidays. Yeah, there are already presents under there.

Discussed upcoming sixth birthday festivities with the Great. He wants an army birthday, at the house. Just a small affair with thirty or so of his favorite friends.
Oh, and tanks.
And soldiers.
Uh, I think they're all in Iraq, honey. All the live ones, anyway.
He woke up in the middle of the trip to KS and said, "I can't believe I'm going to be six." Yeah, me neither.

Today, Sunday:
The drive home took two hours longer than expected due to slick-as-snot roads and mor-fucking-onic drivers. They did get marginally better the nearer we got to Denver.

Got yelled at again for being obnoxious and loud and drunk the prior night.

Passed approximately 249 cars in the ditch. Well over half were flipped totally over.
How do you do that anyway? 99.999% of them were folks heading OUT of Colorado. Come again, loser!

Thank you, Interstate Highway System for the nice blinky signs warning us that the roads might be icy in spots, as well as the kind recommendation that we drive carefully. Nice of you to notice the two inch thick slab of ice that they call I70. I'm sure the distraction caused many a driver to look away and go into the ditch.

I was cozy in my new way cool KU sweatshirt. Ah, the old alma mater. Looks like the Hawks might've actually decided to play some basketball this year. It could be a nice departure from the dry spell.

Saturday Night:
Drank beer with my sister-in-law's sister (whatever, you figure it out) and I believe we did our auntly duty of completely mortifying my niece in front of her boyfriend. Cool kids though. All goth and shit, or whatever you crazy kids are calling it now. Got to love it, this kid never gave her parents a moment's trouble and now she closets up and listens to music all day. Still makes straight A's though, so the rebellion is not complete. I predict much partying in college ahead for this young woman.

So funny when the S-I-L-Sis leans over and goes at the top of her voice: "SHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Don'ttellanybodybutIthinkI'mdrunk."
When she wasn't saying that she was saying, "Ican'tbelieveyouwrotea
booklastyearandnobodytoldme!" I corrected her by saying, "Fo'booksh.Iwrodefobooksh."

Got yelled out repeatedly because the others in the family couldn't hear the dialogue to It's a Wonderful Life over our banter. Excuse us for wanting to talk instead of taking a nap on the sofa after driving across two states to see our beloved extended family. Thanks for the warm welcome. As if you all haven't seen the movie ten times every year since the thing was filmed. Yeah, no one in my family reads my blog. I'm all broken up about it, cantcha tell?

Funniest moment of the night: when PHF woke up from the sofa and said, "Honey, you gotta drive back to your mom's. I'm too sleepy." Much laughter ensued. PHF was not amused.

Yesterday:
Kinda boring

Friday:
Went to other brother's house in "the country." Met the new horse and some chickens and dogs and shit. Kids ran wild, cried often (no naps). Got drunk.
Went antiquing and found old wooden water skis for 34 bucks. Way cool for the lake. Really cool. No, not to use, moron. To decorate with. As in, our house. Yeah, we got better stuff than futons and anemic plants.

Got drunk. Oh yeah, I said that.

Thursday:
You all did it so you all know what we did. But my turkey was better than yours so nannynannybooboo!

The Great spent the night with his cousins. He was served pancakes the next morn and requested them "dry." Much speculation went on as to the significance of this decision (Possible psychological ramifications of dry pancakes on six year olds. Was he scared to ask for syrup or just relieved to get breakfast at all? Or was he getting sick?) Finally I asked him and he said, "I just always wanted to try it that way. It was yummy."

When asked if this is how he'll be taking his pancakes from now on he said he'd get back to us on that. I can't believe he's going to be six.

Got to see a real Purple Heart from WW2, toe tag, and dog tag, etc. The guy didn't last long. More on that later.

Monday-Wednesday:
The visit to this section was fine, all got to sleep in the same room. Builds character or some bullshit, I guess. Actually it was fine. Gave me a chance to dry out a little between attractions, as this section doesn't do much drinking.

One point of interest was that their cat died so The Great helped bury it and made a headstone and stuff. Quote of the day from Grandpa: "I'm just glad we didn't find him in pieces all over the yard."

I sincerely agree.

Friday-Sunday:
Drove to KS Friday night. I was absolutely no help with driving or keeping PHF awake. I dropped off at my usual ten pm bedtime. When we got there I gave my mother-in-law her hostess gift (a festive spatula and dishtowel from Crate and Barrel) and she bust out laughing on the driveway.

"Why are you giving me a spatula on my driveway at two in the morning?"

I was too tired to get out the word hostess... anyway, much slappiness ensued. Shopped, talked, ate, drank much beer.

Holy Mother of God am I ever glad to be home.


2 comments:

Fire Faerie said...

This is my favorite post EVER!!!

Yeah! I'm smiling. I've missed doing that. Thank God for Kansas!!

And, I'll admit it. I'm the moron that asked if you'd be sporting the skis on the lake this summer. I know, I know...

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