salad is just another name for satan

Went to Jason's deli salad bar today for lunch. Thought I should be good after working my ass off at the gym. See, isn't it smaller and perkier already?

Why, I ask you, do I run out of fucking lettuce every time I eat a salad from there? I always put in a lot, knowing that this happens. I don't know where the lettuce goes. Then I'm left with all the other crap and no lettuce to put it on, which is kinda embarrassing.

My "salad" consisted of (recreated by studying the order of sediment layers) lettuce (actually a lot and spinach too so I'm all Popeyed out now) cucumbers, peppers, white cheese, 3 olives (now where did I set that damn martini?) a teensy bit of pasta salad (there's that s word again - that shit ain't salad) some chopped nuts, another kind of cheese, yellow this time, broccoli (jeez, does anybody know how to spell that?) cottage cheese and I think that's it. All this was assembled while trying to corral my two year old who apparently has decided to become three early and turn into a screaming, hitting, Barney-loving ambassador straight from Hell itself. It ain't terrible twos, kidless people. That's just a big conspiracy put forth by an Eastern Syndicate to make us have more kids (and buy more crap from Gap for them) by thinking the nastiness ends at three. Ha! Ask any parent. Three is sooooooooo worse. Shit, she's so naughty that I have no doubt that if she got kidsnapped they'd drop her in the front yard with a written apology within the first five minutes.

But back to the salad, does all of this sound like salad stuff to you? I think it's weird, seeing it listed here. What kind of psycho am I? It must have some meaning to it. A salad is supposed to be some lettuce and dressing and if you're lucky some shredded carrot, right? P'raps a cherry tomato on the side. How did the Salad Bar become this... monstrosity, with pudding and fruit and mini muffins and graham crackers and mousse and salsa, for crissake, and seventeen varieties of dressing? It's supposed to be the skinny safe zone.

Of course, as usual, I ran out of lettuce half way through. It's with the fucking socks missing from the dryer, I guess. (Maybe the mice take them. They sleep in my socks and eat my lettuce. That sounds about right. Man, a bb gun would blow their little heads clean off, wouldn't it?) Then I was left with all that other... stuff. Not really a salad, but just stupid crap that no one in their right mind would put together.

Unless it was on top of lettuce.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

seeeriously. I love salad. I try to utilize the salad bar if there is one. But lately it seems as if i might as well slop my main course on top of my fucking salad and call it a meal. So much for simplicity. But am i really complaining? I kind of like the selection. Needless to say, we are moving into a new era of salad and salad toppings.

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