My diet sucks. No really. Some people think that because I'm in relatively decent shape I eat good (Yeah, yeah, Krypto. I know, well is the proper usage, but you're such a cutie-patootie that I'm no longer going to take you seriously).
(Editor's note: By "relatively" the author actually means, "I look.. eh, ok, despite my diet; which lacks any sort of nutrients at all, except for the meager bit found in the shitty lager otherwise known as Coors Light; but despite that I'm not a huge fucking cow and it's only because I go work out every day while ineffectively fending off pathetic come-ons from smelly douchebags.")
They think I eat vegetables and crap. I do eat good stuff. Sometimes. Ok, not really. Actually, never. It's pretty much beer and crackers for me. Right now my favorite is the snowflake-shaped Ritz. Why-oh-why are they better? Why, Santa Claus? Oh, and candy. And whiskey if I'm feeling peaked. Fooldja, heh.
Like, for instance, tonight I won't be hungry for dinner because I've eaten a quarter of a bag of holiday colored M&Ms.
A quarter of a bag, you're thinking. Big deal. I've been to the plant in Hackettstown and mainlined them off the conveyor belt. And to you, I bow down and say YOU ARE THE MAN!
And, Oooh, you're also thinking, finally some Sex on SSAS. No, that's S&M, weirdo. And, on a side note, hate to break it to all you Don Juans out there, M&Ms are waaaay better than sex.
Dunno why I keep nibbling except they are here, (calling out to me in tiny red and green Christmas voices: Eat me, eat me! Chocolate makes your life better. You'll sell your book. You won't get fat. Come on, just a couple and the pain will go away...) and that the red and green ones taste better than all the other kinds. I'm going to keep eating them too. I'm going to eat some more here while I write this, and then go make cookies with them, and eat some of those, and then maybe take the other bag (Yeah, I got two bags. Better than sex, remember?) to bed with me in case PHF is in the mood.
No, not in the mood for sex. I'm talkin' about M&Ms. For crissake, pay attention!
Did you ever just poured a mouthful in and eat them all at once? No? You're missing out. Like with all good things, that whole moderation concept is total crap. M&Ms are pretty good one by one, and if you are one of those that think that slow calories don't count as much, then by all means, continue. A Christmas wish for you: may you never see a photograph of yourself from behind.
But someday (probably when you're drunk) pour a mouthful (I don't mean like five of them. I mean, buy a bag at the Target check out and pour the whole goddamned thing into your mouth.) and crunch 'em down.
I can smell them right now. MMMMMmmmm. Ironic, eh? Mmmm and M&M... Ooh, I get it. Tee hee, those clever Mars folks.
Hmm, I wonder how they'll be soaked in Bushmills?