"Trash Newsflash" or "Sucker Suckas!"

The kids got these flashing suckers in a Boo basket. You wear 'em on your finger like a ring, which is pretty cool, actually. I don't mind suckers except for thos disgusting, sadly appropriate pacifier-shaped suckers. I find it hilarious that so many moms spend years getting their kids off pacifiers only to turn around and offer them a sucker at the merest wimper. Yeah, that's waaay better.

The latest weapon on the Pacifier Battle Front is the Binky Fairy (or maybe it's Binky The Fairy, I'm not sure, I've not hired that particular one.) Anyway, he takes away their pacifiers and leave the kid a toy as a trade. I'm pretty sure that if the kid is old enough to get the concept of trading in their binky for a toy then the kid has come away with a huge victory in the cake-and-eat-it-too department. He gets the pacifier until 3 or 4 AND a toy! Score!

No, I can't relate, I can only make fun. My kids didn't take to pacifiers or thumbs. Huh? Well, they just suck their nasty blankets, but only in their beds. It's totally different.

Anyway, I guess Binky the Fairy saw how well the Halloween Witch does and thought he'd go into business for himself. The Halloween Witch brings a toy for candy - no dispute on who's makin' out like a bandit in that deal - and I hope I'm not the only one who thinks the world has reached a sad, sad place when kids can't make themselves sick on their freakin' Halloween candy.

Back to the suckers, which is where this happy little rant started... The kids pulled the flashing tab, ate them, and that was two days ago and they are still flashing. In the dumpster in the garage. It's like a tiny cry for help among the diapers and things that should have been recycled. A lighthouse on the shore of pizza bones and tinfoil. Ok, you get the picture. But it's funny. I suspect the man will get home (he doesn't make a habit of reading everyday like the rest of you) and he'll say, "Why the fuck is the trash flashing?"

And I'll say, "The kid sassed me so I threw away his favorite firetruck. It's time somebody took a stand around here."

In the following, pronouns may have been changed to protect the not-so-innocent, but only maybe. Remember that 60/40 truth/fiction warning?

My favorite pacifier gone story is from ... ok, a friend was sucking his pacifier in the car, and between licks he was tossing it up and catching it. Now, that's looove. Well, on one of the tosses it went out the sunroof. And these two parents, who I idolize as parents except for their lapse in judgement regarding the binky (I mean, shit, the kid was tossing it and catching it. What was he - fourteen?) simultaneously said, "Whoops! Binky's all gone. Soooorry." Made sense to the kid and he didn't even cry. All the binkies from the house were confiscated and burned after bedtime in a celebratory bonfire with much beer and rejoicing.

It took just under 03.46.001 minutes to talk me into making brownies today. Must be that time of the month. Huh? No, not that. Haven't you heard of "Brownie time of the month"?? Jeez. Anyway, they're done, so See ya suckas!!

1 comment:

Krypto said...

Excellent post... a wonderful tapestry of thematically-related ramble. My favorite.

And binkies are the Devil.