things not to do in blogs

This topic was inspired by something I read on a blog (can't recall which one or I'd post a link) but I'm going to be more concise. After careful research I've come up with a short list of no-nos.

Don't:

1. Write a brief note about why you're not writing. I'm smart. I'll figure out that you're sick/getting drunk/working too hard/having a life for crissake... Besides, it reeks of "The World Revolves Around Me Syndrome."

2. Post pictures of yourself. You were way better looking in my imagination.

3. No teenage angst. I don't care.

This one is so important it bears repeating.
NO TEENAGE ANGST.
ie, you hate your mother, your teachers, your life, school is boring... Which leads neatly to my next point-

4. If it's boring you, think how it is for me.

5. Try to impress me with your multi-lingual ability. Pick a language and stick with it.

6. Poetry. Don't. Again, I don't care.

7. If you quit, don't bother with the lengthy explaination/goodbye. I'll move on with my life (heavy sigh) somehow.

8. Write about being alone and depressed. That's just depressing and lonely.

9. Give an itemized list of what you drank last night. You were drunk. I get it.

10. Tell me about movies you don't like. Are you Roger freakin' Ebert? No! I'll run right out and see it just to spite you.

11. Write without punctuation, capitals, or use numbers for words. More fucking teenage angst, only this time it's poorly disguised by bad style.

12. Write about how nobody understands you. (Grown-ups are guilty of this as well.) Guess what??! You're a freak! I don't get you, and I won't be back.

13. Write in blogger Draft if you are a bad speller, bad at grammer, etc. (No help for you there.) It's annoying as all hell for those of us who are good at it. Here's a clue, moron: write it in Word and copy it onto your blog. (Again, let's be supportive here: control C, control V)

14. Use initials for phrases. lol, fyi, btw, kio, fu. See #3 for why.

I'm sure that all I would need to do is hit "next blog" (top right of my page) to find more. There's a lot of bullshit out there. But there's some latent talent too. Some of us folks might be paid for this someday and just think, you knew us way back when.

Yeah.

9 comments:

Anonymous said...

Don't:1. Expect everyone is blogging for your benefit/approval.

2. Change your list so that sometimes "don't" works at the beginning and other times it doesn't.

3. Worry if your list reeks of "The World Revolves Around Me Syndrome." It does.

4. Expect to have readers when you're this elitist/self-centered.

sex scenes at starbucks said...

It's supposed to be facetious. How about:
Don't take life so seriously.

Anonymous said...

Oo oo ooh! I've got some more!

Don't:

1. Emulate those you despise. You might come off looking self-centered and elitist just like them.

2. Leave anonymous, nasty comments. Kinda wimpy.

3. Fail to develop a sense of humor at some point. It might come in handy, you know, when you're blogging.

sex scenes at starbucks said...

I think you broke your own #2 there, whoever you are.
Rules, shmules. Fuck it. Write what you want. If you care if anyone's reading, check your hit counter. Mine's doing all right.

Krypto said...

Ah... your first bit of commentbox controversy. Kudos.

I constantly break #1 as a result of constant commentbox "Where the hell are you??" inquiries when I take two days off. I feel I owe explanations to my tiny loyal fanbase.

Jack said...

This list should be on the front page, and be required reading for all potential users. They should each get a warning level for every time they commit one on the list, and all administrative hell will break loose if god forbid someone goes against the great law.

Then again, I would never again be able to bitch about shitty blogs, and that's almost the basis of my time here on the internet. Plus I typo like a madman.

Oh, and no one understands me. My life is empty. I'm going to go listen to Cradle Of Filth and slit my wrists. It's all quite boring really. But not as boring as Don't Tell Mom, The Babysitters Dead! That was a BAD movie, let me tell YOU!

sex scenes at starbucks said...

Perhaps #1 should be ammended to include exclusion when asked where you are. See, most of us don't have loyal fanbases. They could give a shit if we quit. Oh, did I say that out loud? I'm so bitter.

I thought of one that I break all the time - (excessive use of parentheses).

Anonymous said...

Cheers!
You're inciting emotion! Good or bad, you're still stirring the pot, right?
Lois Lowry (a children's book author-of course)said, in regards to a reader writing the author, "...it's a whisper that touches a love affair. We should listen to it with envy and with awe."--even a love/hate relationship is a realtionship, right?
Here's to more of the same...
emb.

anti said...

perfect!
I can't tell how a pic influences me negatively. Can't help myself, but it does.
Nice blog, and oh, some text speak is just too damn good not to use...like wtf.
I love it.