a theory

I'm turning 46 in August. I'm not one of those who gives a crap if people know my age. I used to be, funny enough, in my 30s. I cared about a lot of stuff in my 30s that I don't care about now. Like attracting male attention (even though I was in my second decade of marriage). Like making sure my body was in shape and thin--not for health, but to be sexy. Like wearing bras so my boobs looked "just so" and high heels to make my legs look longer.*

I have a theory. Likely unprovable, but I don't care much about that. It's about the prevalent obesity in the US, especially among women.** I wonder if it is a subconscious armor because people (okay, males) ignore fat people. As someone who has been stared at my whole life, I can relate to wanting a break from it. Part of the reason I'm so exhausted after Cons is because I'm stared at all the time. It's all right. I'm part of the entertainment. It's part of my job. I even use it--I'm there to promote myself and my work, after all. But it also wears me the fuck out.

Lately sometimes male attention makes me uncomfortable, especially now that I don't care if I get it. And sometimes, you know, it even pisses me off. I'm not here for you to stare at any more than heavy women are there for you to ignore.

I like watching people, seeing what they'll do. In my 30s I tended to watch the pretty people. Hot guys and girls in their 20s. Now I find I tend to watch the people no one else is watching. Kids playing. Old people on the phone or just sitting. Heavy people doing business. And you know what? The Rest of the World is generally a hell of a lot more interesting than the Pretty People, cuz Pretty People are pretty often thinking about and doing one thing: being pretty.** The rest of the world? They're doing the rest of everything.

*Funny enough I do still wear some taller shoes (platforms) but really I kind of want to be taller sometimes. It doesn't hurt my feelings that my legs look longer, but I'm finding myself wearing flats more lately too.

** I got the idea from my daughter, who tends to wear baggy clothes. I'm pretty sure she doesn't want to be noticed "that way." Big t-shirts are comfortable and also act as armor. 

***Another thing I wonder: Is a pretty person pretty without someone noticing them? Kind of like the question about the tree falling in the woods making no sound, I guess.

1 comment:

Natasha Fondren said...

Actually, there was an extensive study done for decades, I believe, that linked childhood abuse to obesity. Fat, in that case, *is* a solution. And it's on a subconscious level, and if the body wants to protect you with fat, it will despite all your best efforts.

I think nowadays the American diet and the things food companies do to make a profit are a good deal to blame, as well, though.

As far as age, if you're single and past 37, you cannot get a guy to even look at your profile. It's a number, and it's all that matters. It's a proven statistic that the older guys get, the younger the profiles they "court." For example, a 35 year old male will look for women about the same age. After that, the gap widens to a 50+ year old male contacts 20-something profiles the most.

I find 39 to be extremely awkward. I look like I'm in college. Literally, I get asked about "school" 3-7 times a week. I'm too "old" for online profiles, but in the real world, 22-somethings hit on me. (I'm looking for a husband, not a fling.)

Combine that with wanting children, and I am very unhappy with my age. I mean, I don't care, really... what I'm really upset with is all the possibilities and dreams slamming their doors closed in my face, LOL.