baby guadalupe

This, my friends, is why I Believe.

I tweeted today that I had Zero Christmas Spirit, though I removed it from Facebook because it seemed...wrong, somehow. Why bring others down?

But it's true. When I woke today, at 3 am, from a child who had a nightmare because of all the changes he's facing in his life, I tossed and turned. I fretted over something a friend had said to me, something petty and hurtful that made me question not only our friendship, but Friendship. I worried over schools and where the right place is for my son. I wondered if we should move away from Stepford, because though so many people here are fabulous and I love my house, it's not a place I can trust.

I wondered how I would get presents wrapped, cookies made, play dates arranged, a birthday sleepover set up, to the post office and Savers for white elephant gifts. I wondered if the kids really cared whether I wrapped the banister in greenery, or whether we just used the fake tree this year, and came to the sinking conclusion that they did care, that I'm the mom and the Spirit rests on my shoulders. Then I felt guilty cuz they deserve better.

I tried to distract myself with story, but it didn't work, even though my son, who struggles so much with his own life, has given me the inadvertent gift of wondering how one of my unfinished stories ends. I wondered how we could ever relax this holiday while feeling so insecure in so many ways. I just ended up fretting that I have a story and a book coming out in the next few weeks and I can't bring myself to be thrilled...

I worried that I've gotten very little real work on SCAR done in a month, not to mention Electric Spec work, my book submitted, and various unmet personal deadlines.

I dreaded going to school to volunteer today.

And a thousand other little unmentioned things, undone and done, that have piled up into a sort of devastating avalanche of a life, crashing down around me, leaving me icy and alone.

And then I read Erica's post.

I knew from Facebook that she was having the kind of day that didn't leave your soul for a long, long time. I thought of her from time to time yesterday, not really prayers, but thoughts.

Sometimes I wonder that there seems to be little difference.

Because the universe answered. It answered with the prayers of strangers, a priest, anonymous phone calls, and especially with Erica herself.

So today I'm going to take comfort in a few tears. I'm going to make a list of items needing doing and delegate. I'm going to focus on one of my oldest friends, someone I CAN trust, coming to visit me over the holidays. I'm going to take my kids out for ice cream after school and plan out my son's birthday. I'm going to call another friend who offered, yet again, to fix my beautiful rosary that she so graciously made for me and that I broke, yet again. (Cringe) I'm going to go into 2nd grade and have some math fun with the kiddos. I'm going to go to a party tonight and I'm especially going to let myself off the hook for some stuff.

And every time I start to falter, I'm going to think of a new little angel and remember why I Believe.