So I'm listening to a commercial about a natural herbal product that makes sex feel like when I was 18 again. The guys sucked back then, and not at all where you wanted them to. Oh, I thought I liked it at the time. I just had no comparison. You know, like to now...
My baby turns four tomorrow. Whew. Four. Made it though the threes without too much damage. She has improved. The priest says it was the exorcism, but I think it's actual, veritable maturity. She's growin' up.
You poor saps with your adorable, sweet two-year-olds have no idea what's coming. Oh yeah, you know who you are. And you're thinking, My kid would never act that way. It's difficult to feature while they still don't spit obscenities at you.
But I know of which I speak. I've been through it twice, and I have notarized testimonials from other parents. Sign the disclaimer and strap on your shin guards cuz you're goin' for a ride. A motocross helmet is advisable, and goggles. Yeah, the ass that's getting kicked is yours.
Speaking of motocross helmets, I'm standing in the Lariat Friday night watching the Olympics after we got Bob to change the channel from the documentary of child after child being pulled from crack houses and meth labs (wtf??) and snowboard cross came on. I guess that's what it's called; the sound wasn't up. Whatever, I'm standing there watching and I go, at the top of my lungs cuz I was being drunk and all, "Holy fuck. They're wearing motocross helmets. This is gonna be kick ass!"
The guys standing by me asked me what I knew about motocross helmets. And I said, "Well, you know, they're like snowmobile helmets." Idiot.
At the commercial I turned to find three guys with opened mouths.
"You ride a snowmobile?"
"What do you ride?"
"I ride an older Polaris 600 two-up and my husband rides the 06 Polaris 600." (I got a friggin basket on the back of my miniva--, er, snowmobile, btw. But the thing has two-inch track and it rocks.)
But I had turned back to the snowboard cross. It's snowboarding. Leave me alone.
"And you like snowboarding?"
No. I like staying home and having sixteen babies in a row. Fuckin-A. But I ignored them cuz the first heat was on.
And snowboard cross rocks. Shit, how fun is that?? And yah, I saw the trick and wipe out. I think you should have to do a trick on the last jump just to keep things interesting. Bad sportsmanship, yah, whatever. It's snowboarding. It's a sport that's highly influenced by thirteen-year-olds. Of course there's showing off and poor sportsmanship. Duh.
I went boarding Sunday and the powder (Editor's disclaimer: While Sex has an annoying tendancy toward exaggeration, the following is true. I was there.) was two feet deep minimum, no shit. I'd skid on purpose, spray the slow skiers, and PHF said I disappeared under the snow. He started yelling: "Holy fuck, honey! That one was fifteen feet high!"
The skiers weren't amused. Well, besides PHF. It's ok, though, he's a rockin' skier, and I sort of signed on for, like, ever. He also did something super sweet for me tonight and so he's on the A-list right now.
Speaking of sex, hey, the new I-Buzz is out: