Several things have set me off lately and I'm just annoyed. Annoyed, I tell you. Stain-on-your-tie-before-the-big-meeting annoyed. Long-line-at-Disney-with-whining-children-annoyed.
You get the picture.
And it's even summertime. It's supposed to be all laid back and relaxed. Not irritable. Even my glowing, coppertone tan hasn't cheered me up, and trust me, it is still spectacular.
Here are the things that are pissing me off, in no certain order.
1. Block Parties. Specifically, OUR block party. In a word, it sucked. First of all, it was three bucks a person (for papergoods and renting a bbq) AND I had to bring drinks (very little alcohol there, too, btw. WTF??) We used exactly one paper plate and one fork. That is all. For TWELVE DOLLARS. And we had to wear a wristband to show we paid. AND I had to bring a salad.
Aren't we neighbors? Aren't we friendly, if not friends?
Whatever happened to the block parties of old: of card tables from basements laden with food and of coolers of beer and drunk daddies playing pick up baseball and wandering a few doors down to look under the hood of the new car on the block and tipsy mommas passing around the latest baby and kids running amuck and it starting at two in the afternoon on a Saturday and a few diehards making it till midnight and five people just wheeling their grills out into the street for everyone to use?
As I recall, we used to bring our own paper plates to the party. Somebody might've sprung for napkins. And somebody else might've made a giant iced tea in one of those huge round orange coolers with the spigot at the bottom.
What the fuck is wrong with people today? It wasn't a fucking block party, it was a short-term business opportunity.
The people at the end of street by the park are clearly NOT the only idiots on the block.
2. Myself. Cuz I ranted yet again about the stupid people down the street. At the block party. Cringe. However, to my credit, they live way the hell down at the end of the street by the park. And, they are absolute idiots. But fuck, shut up about it already.
3. I left a fun party to go to the block party.
4. Filling out forms for camp and school. Ok, we use ten digit dialing here, cuz there are so many people around, so here's a clue. Make the phone number line at least long enough for seven digits. I'm not a fucking typewriter, I don't own a fucking typewriter, and I don't even know anyone who owns a fucking typewriter.
5. Expensive airline tickets. Don't you people have the whole flying thing down yet? And give me a fucking bag of peanuts. I WANT MY PEANUTS! Waitress in the sky, indeed. They're more like human crow-bars, on board only to help us wedge into and out of our seats.
6. I haven't been to the lake anything like enough this summer.
And finally...
7. YOU!
Yeah, you heard me. You guys have got me pissed off. You stop by, you peruse, you read. Some of you come every day. But you're all takers with nary a giver among you. You take and take and take and I'm sick of it. Sick of it, I say! Hits are steady and I write my little heart out about getting fucked against the wall and oh, about... FOUR fucking people write me a comment.
At least pretend to have gotten a teensy horny twinge from it. FAKE IT, goddammit. We've all done it.
But noooooooooooooooo, cuz you're... you're... lurkers.
Yeah, that's right. I know you're out there. I can see you. I know you are there, and your silence is pissing me off. Shit or get off the pot. SAY SOMETHING!!!!!!! You know, or go away.
Hmph.
Ok, I didn't mean it. Wait! Come back...
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