how many beads are too many?

2 string bikinis? check
Cigarettes? check
Extremely high tolerance for alcohol? check
Tan? check

Yup, I think I’m all packed for New Orleans on Thursday. The weather is supposed to be 80s and sunny. Ahhhh, sunshine at last. My amulet worked! Even took the kids to the prerequisite doctor visit and received the prerequisite antibiotics. This happens, I’m not exaggerating, EVERY SINGLE TIME we go on vacation, whether it’s for a day or ten, whether kids are invited or not. I’ve literally NEVER traveled with them without antibiotic in tow; usually it needs to be refrigerated too. I also have never left my children with my mother without at least one child on something.

Goals for my vacation:
1. Get hit on repeatedly; enough to perhaps get “rescued” by my knight? Ooo, a fight would be cool... (I’m in a very troublesome, sassy mood.)
2. Maintain intoxication at least 90% of my waking hours; drink away my hangovers. I practiced for it this weekend, and I plan on working on my tolerance all week until I go. No shit, that drunk post was authentic. Truly. Fucked. Up.
3. Sex in a public place. The act, not the person. I mean, I'll be in a public place when I'm having sex, so I guess... fuck. Oh, I know, PHF should have Sex in a public place. How does that work?
4. Coming home with at least one regret over lewd and drunken behavior- perhaps a tattoo?
5. Persuade PHF to come home with at least one regret over lewd and drunken behavior – perhaps a piercing? Or, ooo, I know, he could pick up some chick and I could have the fight. That would be fun.
6. Pick up some cool voodoo shit.
7. Pick up some trinkets for the kiddies
(6 and 7 are not mutually exclusive)

PHF, the darling, found me the Saints and Sinners Literary Festival, which is going on right on Bourbon the weekend we’re there. These things can be great – you can make connections in the writing industry. Sure, I thought, I’ll pack a skirt that’s longer than my ass cheeks and go play “professional” for an afternoon. It’s not that expensive for a workshop...

Only as I got into it deeper into the website I realized a prevailing premise. Can you guess what it is? Here's a clue: it’s put on by an AIDS foundation. Yup, it's got sort of a concentration; a leaning, if you will, toward the Gay and Lesbian theme in Literature.

Not that I’m against it ("Not that there's anything wrong with that.") My books push the limits of what is acceptable behavior; between men especially. They’re always touching each other and hugging and shit, and not the slappy-backy sort of touch that guys do. And I’m pretty sure the sorcerer in my latest book is gay. As a side note, nothing is more obnoxious than guys who slap each other. It's painfully juvenile. The other day The Twins were teaching the kids their swimming lessons... they'd just done this thing where they sit on the side of the pool and hike back and practice their kicking, and every ripple of their matching six-packs come into sharp relief... Is it hot in here? Here, let me take off my sweatshirt. Ok, that's better.

But anyway, they almost bumped into each other and one of them reached up and rubbed the back of the other's head and they grinned at each other.

It was completely, utterly sweet.

I mean, don't get me wrong, it was just regular sweet. Mommy sweet. Now, by comparison, if they'd wanted to put me in between them and rub on me a little - now that would be totally suh-weeet.

Ok, I'm going to put on shorts and a tank top. It's freakin' ninety in here.

But back to the festival. There is an interesting workshop on the treatment of sex in fiction, and it’s in the middle of the day, well after Hangover O’clock and before Happy Hour. And truly, is there no more sophisticated creature than an old Southern queer?

Beyond that, are there any experiences you'd like me to have and then come home and write about? Now, much of what I post afterward will be recalled within the haze of drunkenness, so these should be sorts of activities that will stand out from the continual fugue of inebriation. I'm sure you can come up with something.

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