martha's come "out"

Martha's out again. For how long, who knows, but for now she's back in Westchester, or where ever the fuck her house is, chillin' with her chickens and eating lemons and trying not to be annoyed with her ankle-tracer thingy. After months of negotiation (ok, ten minutes) she has agreed to come back to SS@S for another interview. Let's face it, she's desperate for the press.

Editor's note: The only stipulation is we've agreed not to bring up the lawsuit. I'm sure we'll lose anyway-
Sex- yeah, it's Martha F. Stewart, for crissake! She's got lawyers out the yin-yang
Editor- Can I continue?
Sex- Sure. Go ahead, Ed.
Editor- But the last laugh is on her. We are a non-profit with no money and no reputation to speak of.
Sex - Yeah, what's she gonna do? Shut down our blog?

**

Sex: Good to have you back on Sex Scenes, Ms Stewart.
Martha: I'm sorry I'm out of breath, but I must keep scrubbing my cabinets and baseboards as we speak.
Sex: Wasn't the house kept clean while you were, uh... gone?
Martha: In prison, you mean? You can say it. I was in prison. I can admit it. I'm not ashamed.
Sex: Um, Ok. So wasn't it kept clean while you were in the big house getting ass-raped by a burly she-bitch named Charqueil?
Martha: I don't know anybody named Charqueil...
Sex: Well, it's all semantics anyway, right?
Martha: er... and I don't think women get "ass-raped" in prison. That doesn't even make sense...
Sex: Well, you would be in a position to know, huh? So anyway, wasn't the house kept clean?
Martha: My staff is the best, but my standards are quite high.
Sex: I guess I thought you might let some of that go since you had alternative living arrangements recently.
Martha: Prison. Say it. Prison.
Sex: I'm sorry, but after all the prison porn I've seen, it's just hard to imagine you in there.
Martha: Prison isn't anything like those movies.
Sex: Aha, so you're admitting to watching porn? Can I have a quote to sell to USA Today?
Martha: No, that's not what I'm saying...
Sex: I understand that you can leave the house.
Martha: Up to forty-eight hours a week. I'm using the time to film my new show, the Apprentice.
Sex: That seems like a funny way to blow through that time. I'd be at the freakin' bars showin' off my new ankle-wear and svelte figure.
Martha: Well, I did lose weight in prison.
Sex: Good for you. Anyway, I guess I figured you'd just put a boardroom in the basement or something, and think up a better way to spend your two days.
Martha: We've had to be pretty clever with the filming... but of course I can't let out too many secrets about it. You'll see.
Sex: Uh, actually, no I won't. I can't stand that reality-tv shit. So what else will you do, besides work?
Martha: The gardens need cleaning and planting, and the chickens have quit laying. I've got my work cut out around here. And I really want to see my friends and family. I plan on lots of dinner parties.
Sex: Oh great. I'll be waiting for my invitation.
Martha: I don't even know you.
Sex: We know each other. We chatted that time I was trying to make swedish pancakes.
Martha: You were using a box mix. Just add water. I never could figure out why you were calling me, or why you were using a box mix. Really, Sex. You could do better for yourself.
Sex: Well, I like to keep my life simple.
Martha: I plan on enjoying a more simple life as well.
Sex: Oh reeeeally? You enjoying your lemons?
Martha: What did you say?
Sex: Oh nothing.
Martha: No. What did you say to me?
Sex: I just wondered how you were enjoying your lemons? You know, the ones that were picked an hour before your release and flown from Florida by private jet to a stretch Hummer and then driven to your house? The lemons which were timed to arrive ten minutes before you did, so that you could have lemon in your freakin' tea? Is that what you meant by the simple life?
Martha: How did you know about that?
Sex: Hey, my sources are anonymous. I'm obligated to protect them. I have my journalistic integrity to think of.
Martha: Journalistic integrity? You write a blog for pete's sake.
Sex: Hey, don't bring Peter into this.
Martha: It's an expression, not a real person.
Sex: Yeah, riiiight, like Pete isn't real. Everybody knows who he is. It isn't every guy who looks like Jim Morrison. If you hadn't decided to swing "that way" you'd be all over him too. But prison will do that to you, I guess. The porn isn't so far off, after all. Lots of girl-on-girl and girl-on-girl-guard, eh?
Martha: This interview is over. Don't call me again.
Sex: But we're still on for lunch before court, right?
Martha: You aren't supposed to bring that up.
Sex: Bring what up?
Martha: How I'm suing your pretty little ass for libel and slander.
Sex: Oh, yeah, that.
Martha: You aren't supposed to talk about it.
Sex: I'm not. You are. I didn't say slander and libel.
Martha: I think we're through here.
Sex: But you like my ass though, right? Right? Martha?

Oh well. But you heard it here first. Martha likes my ass. Now where did I leave that number to the Enquirer editor?

13 comments:

Jack said...

I think it's silly to make commenting a competition, yet I can't help but feel slightly important being (supposedly) the first one to read this and the first one to successfully wait the fourteen hours it takes for the comment box to pop up. Yay! I win! Take that, suckers!

Anywho, excellent interview. No one takes on the heavy-hitters quite like you.

T Kwong said...

Martha had it coming. Former stock brokers should be expected to remember the god damn rules.

I actually passed on an opprotunity to interview Hanson (maybe it's with an, "-en," you know the one). Oh man, that would have been gold.

-Thomas

Ole Blue The Heretic said...

Martha's favorite porn movie is "Girls and more Girls Island" by Prison Love Pictures. Maybe Marth wanted the lemons to get rid of the taste in her mouth!


It only took fourteen hours for the comment box to appear for Jack? crap!

The Book Of Mikey said...

freagin brilliant.
Kudos.

Amber Lynn said...

Brilliant! Brilliant! Yea!

sex scenes at starbucks said...

jack - you're important to me at least. you sound more chipper. Spring break's getting closer, eh?

Tommalhama- I'm related to someone who is related to Hanson. That would have been great.

MPH said...

Hmmmm . . . I wonder if a female prison has ever ass raped another female prisoner. I bet Discovery has something on this - I better start watching.

Greg said...

ahah, martha stewart digs your booty. I extracted some sexual tension between you and marta from this interview, call it wishful intuition if you will. Or maybe you two just really don't like each other. Catfight.

sex scenes at starbucks said...

Mikey and Miles, glad to have you stop by.

Amber - THX!

Jeez, Blue, you know your porn. I'm impressed.

Greg -yeah, I know the thought of either one turns you on.

daniel said...

" Martha's out again"

Being Australian, I have never seen anything with the real martha stewart in it.
I did see a southpark episode where cartman discovered you could shove food up your butt and crap out your mouth and Martha was on that, shoving an entire turkey up her arse.
But that's about the limit of it.

I feel I am missing out on a good laughing opportunity!

Inland, Dreaming said...

Sex, you have a future as a celebrity journalist.

Now I have questions for you!

Why do you care what Martha thinks of your ass?

If you could go to the land of the elves, what would you find there?

What can you not forgive? (no fair saying "stupid questions," either)

Was there ever a particular moment when you knew PHF was the love of your life? If so, let's hear it. Or do you just conclude this from longevity?

What writing ideas have come to you in dreams?

In your life, have you been a one best friend kind of woman? Or more of a group of friends person?

sex scenes at starbucks said...

Cryp - you're not missing much.

Inland - oookay. thought I was going to bed. guess i'll post instead.

Good questions, btw!

Greg said...

I'm right here sex!

Sorry, I've been sick lately and grumpy and not in a posting mood. And I"m staring at a fuckin pile of soggy tissues in front of me. I guess this is karma biting me in the ass for making fun of you for getting sick so often.