hello boys

Unrelated to anything but the title:
You know why I fucking hate Angelina Jolie so much? She's so goddamn sexy and tall and rich and has those fucking huge lips and shit. She also can take a relatively shitty movie and act circles around the paltry dialogue and questionable plotline.

But my jeep is so much more fucking awesome than hers.

I also hate the fucking snow. Actually, that's not quite right. I love the snow, I just hate its habit of coming twelve hours late. Like it's some sort of diva or something - as if the whole entire party revolves around the snow. As if.

Ok, well, it does, because I snowboarded again Saturday.

Good points:

1. I still love it. The sport is cool, the equipment is cool, the people who do it are cool. So hense, I'm cool. Right??

But I fear it will be much like my relationship with golf. I'll never be able to completely satisfy it in bed; but we will still have a wildly passionate, on-again, off-again affair which will leave me alternately devestated and elated; and nearly always sore and exhausted and hungover.

2. The Lad did marvelously at it - ready to learn turning at aged six! He went up the lift and all of it and came out nappy-haired and overjoyed. He wants to get a cool helmet and board and start doing jumps. A child's confidence does a mother's heart good. I got to tell my class - "Yea! That's my little boy over there!" He was doing so well, and he's still little enough to yell, "Hi Mommy! Look what I can do!" I about fucking bawled right there on the bunny hill.

3. I saw improvement, enough to impress even PHF. (An aside - ha, thought you were going to get off without one, did you? - It's rather amusing to have my own skier following behind, blocking traffic when I, uh, take a breather. He yells encouragements at the occassional fall and tells me when I do good. It's like having a personal cheerleading bodyguard - and a cute one at that. PHF is everything I'm not on skis. He is graceful, beautiful, perfectly parallel, his limbs work in concert; he is fricking eloquent. The sport speaks through him. It's really quite annoying.)

4. I spent not necessarily less time on the ground than last time, but much more by design rather than by accident. Strategic falling, I'll call it. I'm pretty good at edging stops and controlling my speed (not that I go very fast, you understand) and now I'm working on turning. I plan on not blowing money on lessons (though it's the same price as a lift and rentals) again (if ever) until next fall.

5. It nearly goes without saying, but the beer at the end of the day was pretty damn good, too.

Not so good points:

1. When PHF bought new goggles, our day topped out at over 300 bucks. For one day. Lift tickets are highway robbery, I tell ya. But, yes, dear, I know, you really did need new ones. Those scratches were annoying.

2. The snow pretty well sucked. It was that sticky, slushy manmade shit that catches an edge of my board and sends me flyin'. Ok, that didn't happen. But it sucked. And guess what it did all fucking night and through the day TODAY???!! Yah. That's right. Six fucking inches.

3. The mountain kicked my ass Saturday (figuratively). I'm in pretty good shape so it must be the altitude. Yeah, that's it. At 9000 feet there's no frickin' air.

Ok, no. It's not that high for me, I live at altitude, for crissake. I think (I hope) it's because I spent more time actually doing it instead of sitting on my ass wondering how I was going to get back down the mountain. I was done whupped, my lungs straining, my legs taxed, my ass red with exertion and for other reasons as well... which leads to point number 4...

4. The mountain kicked my ass Saturday (literally). My. Ass. Hurts. Not the tailbone this time; it was over on the cheekside, left to be exact. The Fall happened when I was nearly at the bottom, very close; tired but gutsy enough to take a turn. The Fall caused me to land on my ass and back. I would have lost equipment in The Fall, had it not been strapped onto me. The Fall was annoying because I almost made it through the day with a happy, intact ass.

It soooo huoots! Like, if I put on jeans and they are the slightest tight (I loathe baggy jeans) and I say, move, my ass hurts. Or if I sit in the back of my jeep on the ride home, my ass hurts. Or if I yell at my kid too loud my ass hurts. Or if I bend over to pick something up, my ass hurts.

I'm still waiting on the appearance of the bruise and I'll keep you updated; as I know you all are facinated by the status of my ass.

I won't take your lack of comments personally; we can all just yell out in a collective silent e-cry: FUCK YOU BLOGGER!!!


That Girl said...

I can only admit that I HATE HATE HATE snow. I HATE cold and wet. Well, I like wet, I hate cold. I especially hate cold WHILE wet. I'll hang myself before I ski. I'd rather sit in the hot tub and drink in the lodge than do that shit for "fun".

Todd said...

I like snow.

sex scenes at starbucks said...

Yea for snow and strenuous snow sports! Also yea for hottubs and much alcohol after.

T Kwong said...

Why your comments work and not The Big J's is beyond me.

Sex, this is just more evidence that you need more cardio-vasculor training. Strength without endurance is a wasted workout regime. Thanks for changing the comments, you're top shelf n my book.

Snow rules because without there would be no snowball fights, which are, of course, one of the greatest winter activities ever.


Ole Blue The Heretic said...

Halo scan rocks compared to blogger comments.

Jeeps are like a good beer while Angelina Jolie is like a fine wine or champagne.

Sounds like you need a good full body massage to work out to kinks from snowboarding.


sex scenes at starbucks said...

Tom the Snowball King- I know I know I KNOW!! You gonna come take my pulse for me?

BTW, I'm just leaving my comments on Jack's earlier post. That one works.

Blue- Is that just advice or an offer?

The Neurotic Monkey said...

I must concur that snow does, indeed, suck. I like the snowing activities, but really, my life would probably continue on without them.

However, am I the only one that looks out my frosted window to those huge white mounds and sees future snow forts? I throw snowballs, go sledding, and a bunch of other childish snow activities but i can't remember the last time i built a snow fort.

And if you need anyone to ice down or kiss away any of yer bruises, just let me know.

I'll be in the fort.

Ole Blue The Heretic said...

That is an offer of course.

Greg said...

Sounds like you're getting better on the slopes. Don't worry, you'll graduate from a snow bunny to a snow fox in no time, although i think that has to do with looks and not skill so in that case you're probably already a snow fox.

300 sounds about right. I managed to cut my costs down to about 60 bones a trip. Still hurts my barely existant pocketbook.

Amber Lynn said...

I really do hate snow. Luckily it never stays past noon in my town. It always has an appointment for elsewhere and must disappear by that divine hour.

Again, we have something in common. My husband is freaking GREAT athletically at just about anything. It drives me nuts. I have to practice and practice to be good at anything requiring eye-hand coordination and he just picks up something and is beautiful at it. GRRRRR.

At least I am beautiful by association.

sex scenes at starbucks said...

Manic - hang on, just let me get my boots...

Blue - man, I wish! PHF is tactfully ignoring my complaints about my bruised ass. He's seen it before apparently, so it's lost its allure.

Greg - We'll cut it back when we get baby boarder out of lessons - he can only really do a half-day anyway.

I sent you a stupid e-card btw - to whatever account is on your blog. I know, I'm a dork.

Amber- oh hon, they are the ones who are beautiful by association, not US! And athleticism must transfer into bed, or it's worthless.

Lunatic said...

Aww man the left cheek? That's the bad girl spanky cheek and I'm not ambidextrous when it comes to spanking.

Anonymous said...

Ok - So do you have a big ass band-aid for this little sore of yours? And exactly how are we to feel sorry for you if you BUY tix to go on the mtn? I don't know - it seems like due process. Selective ass kicking. Perhaps just snowy justice.

Ok - that is my two cents. With my ass in tact (over intact if you want particulars) and my mittens on because it is damn cold here..... KC