warning: the following post may be sappy. well prob'ly not.

Me wee little lass, me baby-pie, me Monkey turns THREE tomorrow.

Yeah, I'm a mom. Get over it.

You may have noticed that I'm not a particularly sentimental mother. I don't moon over babies. I recognize them for what they are: devil spawn with cute toothless grins. I know they'll bite you as soon as that first tooth comes in, and they'll do it again with each one, just to make sure it's in good working order.

I don't wax poetic over days gone by; you know the old it goes so fast and they were just a baby, like yesterday. Well, no, time just goes on, like it pretty much always has. It's been three years since I first saw that little dark face and eyes and hairy body. Three years is a while. I've had a few three-year spans in my life, and as they go, this one was great. But it took the same time the other three year spans took.

But Three Years Old is a milestone in my book. Monkey's been talking since she was ten months old and walking since thirteen months, quit shitting herself (well, mostly) at around two and a quarter. She's definitely got her own ideas. So she's well past babyhood (though I referred to her as a baby today - go figure).

But three is... three is not a baby. Three year olds play soccer in my neighborhood. Three year olds go to preschool and learn stuff. Three year olds ski.

But most of what they do, at three, is turn into people. Miniature, but real people. And a lot of you might be saying, "Whew, congrats on getting past the terrible twos!"

You don't have kids, do you?

People who talk about Terrible Twos are ignorant poop-heads who just got caught up in the alliterism. There's a big secret to parenthood: it's actually Terrible Threes. No shit. Three year olds are sassy, rude, ego-centric people who will debate the merits of a juice box over Sunny-D for hours; well, that is, if you're dumb enough not to send them into time-out after the first hour.

They also know how to smile sweetly, tell you whether they want a clip or a ponytail in their hair, say "I love you, Momma," jump up and down when you let them pick out a balloon, rip off their clothes in order to put on the new outfit you just bought them, give strangling hugs, elicit a smile from the grumpiest guy in the grocery store, help you pick out snacks for playgroup, tell you thank you!when you tell them they get to go to school tomorrow, play hide and seek with their brother and actually count to ten before looking, sing the ABC song over and over and over, realized that mommy writes stories for a job (ok, wannabe job), paint pictures that look like something, and get absurdly excited over their upcoming third birthdays.

Tomorrow Monkey wakes up to balloons and cupcakes and friends and a new doll house and a big brother who's mad because he has to go to school on his little sister's birthday. It's the start of kid-hood for Monkey tomorrow.

Tomorrow's gonna be a great day.


Greg said...

"People who talk about Terrible Twos are ignorant poop-heads who just got caught up in the alliterism"

Haha that's funny cuz apparently its way true. One of my teachers used to always talk about how goddamn egotistical her kid was, and the symptoms only seemed to worsen the further she strayed from being two years old.

Hey but congrats on your lass turning 3. I don't know if that's something i should be congratulating you about, but it seems appropriate.

Ahaha, you give your kids time-out? Actually, apparently its a good non-abusive tactic, i just find that funny for some reason coming from you. But then again I don't see you being the type to give your kids the backhand over the fanny.

T Kwong said...

Psychiatrists have split in thirty ears since Spock; some actually do reccomend an occasional spanking, but obviously not with a belt or anything too painful. I'm not saying it's the end all best way, just that there's a split on whether Spock was right.


sex scenes at starbucks said...

it depends on the kid. i spank sometimes but it rarely does any good. removing them from the situation does the best good because they usually are just after the attention. (but none of this "as many minutes as thier age" bullshit. that's not long enough by a longshot.)

that said, effective time-outs require a cool head. effective spankings require some anger.

i'm not cool-headed, but it's hard to really piss me off too... so i lose on both counts.

That Girl said...

Yes, while they are little gems decorating our hearts, I have to admit that three is worse than two. I also must warn you that four is worse than three, five is worse than four...but the good times start to be more rewarding and the bad times start to get worse. Little personalities can really tell you off when they want to! Ah, discovering you have your own voice...

Happy Birthday to Monkey!

sex scenes at starbucks said...

I'd say you're right, TG. The good and bad get more extreme with age, as The Lad has shown me.

But when the hell do they quit crying all the fucking time??

T Kwong said...

When you stop treating them like fucking babies.


Inland, Dreaming said...

Happy birthday to the little person.

Yeah, that's true about anger. I don't think I've ever seen you get angry.

sex scenes at starbucks said...

Thompson: yeah, easy to say. I actually get shit over expecting too much out of my kids. But The Lad is emotional, and like any man, not the best at expressing himself with words. My three year old actually cries less, and her verbal skills are excellent for her age. I think boys get thier emotions all out before ten and girls don't start until twelve.

Inland - thanks, she's having a good day.

When I get mad, really mad, it's fucking scary. Doesn't happen often though.

Lunatic said...

Maybe all of my escapades are just subconscious desires to have a child?

I doubt it.

sex scenes at starbucks said...

i don't really associate sex with conception or pregnancy at all. I don't really associate pregnancy with kids either. weird.

that said, if you're not careful, kids can put a total damper on your sex life.

I don't have that problem.

That Girl said...

I do.