one hundred percent true bullshit i've read on blogs tonight

As promised, the latest bloghop. The goal is one a month. Or more, if I'm feeling vindictive. Or particularly fine. Or whatever.

In the style of Krypto, quotes are unedited and in italics. (Thanks in advance for sharing your modus operandi, Mr. K.) Quotes are also taken completely out of context.

This is the first bloghop that I will compose as I read: usually I take notes and compose later. Let's see how this goes, shall we?

1. Poem after poem after poem after poem... three months worth (I checked the archives) and all about the same damn guy. No wonder he dumped you, bitch. You're a fucking black hole of need. Go stalk him already and have done with it.

2. Photos from... Iowa. I think I've seen this one before. My cousin calls Iowa "I Owe the World an Apology". He's pretty hilarious, my cousin.

3. Details about cleaning out her closet and now she's moved on to the bathroom - complete with photographs of her bottles of shampoo. I'm embarrassed now because I mentioned something about cleaning out my closet lately (actually it was PHF's - he's the one with all the out-of-date PLAID). This must be fate's way of telling me that I neared Loserville the other day. Accept my apologies. It won't happen again.

Shit, she uses some cheap-ass shampoo.

4. A truly fucking gorgeous Portugese guy; but predictably alas, much of his blog is in Portugese as well. Down, girls, down!! Christ he's hot.


Ok, in the interest of science... oh, who the hell am I kidding? For the ladies: I'm posting a link to his pic. DON'T make me regret this by doing anything stupid, and guys, I MEAN YOU!

5. Lots of colored fonts on a black background (ouch! my eyes are burning!) and lots of major personal change (ouch! my brain is burning!)...

6. Notes on a class on Sales Management. Huh?

Here I simply must digress. Business is BORING, people. Sales is even more boring. It's only the necessary evil to get the money to buy the things that make me happy. Nothing more. Sales people are the most obnoxious asslicking fuckers on the face of the planet and I'm convinced that most of the world's problems would be solved if they all would just GO AWAY AND DIE!

People hate to sell me cars because I am immediately so predjudiced against the sales people that I go in pissed off and piss them off right back. I'm actually a marginally friendly person, but if someone acts the least bit salesy toward me I turn on them like a rabid, undersexed, sadist bitch in heat. Seriously, they learn to hate me verrry quickly. You should have seen the Audi guy who didn't like my joke about "how you could just put a couple of flags on the front of the A8 and call me the ambassador." PHF laughed, but the comment talked him out of the car. The sales guy thought I insulted his product (hey, it wasn't me that designed a mid-size limo and called it a sport sedan) and he still hates me even though we bought a rockin' A6 from him. I don't think I ever called him asshole to his face, but then, I can't be sure...

I thought it was one of my more brilliant car buying comments. I thought it was pretty damn funny, in fact.

ok, next...

7. A guy who was born in Canada, grew up in Indonesia, went to high school in Australia, spent half a year in Hawaii, and ended up back in Canada. This is my story...

Holy fuck that's facinating. Tell me more!

8. David got his tests results back that was looking to see if there was anymore cancer in his body or bones AND there is NONE!!!! (besides the tumor he has in his Kidney)

I know I just fast-tracked myself to Hell for posting this, but isn't this just a tad... um, sad and ironic? I mean, I love you guys and all, but I can't imagine posting about someone close to me having cancer. In fact, if I drop out of sight without a word then you can safely assume that something AWFUL has happened to me or someone I love. Oh hell, I'd probably have to drop a line to my oldest blogmates Jack and Greg (we go waay back - you know, all the way to October of 04), but I don't write about that heavy shit and I think it's rather pathetic when people do.

Ok, back on task... trying to think of something nice here... the guy had cancer, after all...

Hopefully writing your blog helps you, uh, deal with it...?


Dear Satan,
If I sign up early can I have a room with a view
into the courtyard pool filled with the boiling oil?
And do you have any off-season discounts I should
know about?
thx, Sex

9. A blog about baseball written by someone who provides this self- description: "And I'm single, so ladies if you like scrawny, displaced guys from Indiana, give me call."

Let me just go on record: The only thing baseball is good for is the cold beer. Period. End of story. Fucking boring game, people who talk about it are even more fucking boring. Jeezo-pete, and scrawny too. And he wonders (out loud in his blog) why he can't get a date.

10. Why do lawyers think they're so interesting?

11. Steph's blog. Steph is in high school, if you didn't duduce that from the title. Steph wants to be an actress. Steph has a boyfriend Alex who is smarter than her because he knows they're both going away to separate colleges and will meet other people. (Alex is not so smart in telling Steph this though - it's not exactly the way to get laid. Or, well, having met Steph, maybe it is...) Steph has a cat who she loves and homework that she hates. Steph doesn't like the bus and wonders when her daddy will buy her a car.

12. the stupidity of post titles such as im feeling much better i got a haircut today and heres my new backpack which is actually a briefcase wtf was only eclipsed by the bloggers style and made me want to cry i get beaten down by how fucking stupid people are i think it was clever joe who said that most people are nothing more than bacteria or something like that i thought of you krypto together we could start a punctuation revolution

13. Steph's blog... AGAIN?? wtf? Musta hit back. Ok, maybe doing this real-time isn't such a good idea.

14. My coworker's brother works at a Chili's opening near my office so I was invited to lunch there today. Since it was a pre-opening training lunch, the food was complimentary - the only thing we had to pay for was the alcohol. I don't drink so I ended up getting an order of Boneless Sesame Ginger Chicken Fingers, a bowl of Broccoli-Cheddar soup, a Cajun Ribeye with steamed broccoli and sauteed mushrooms, onions & peppers and a diet Coke in exchange for a $5 tip!

Does life get any better than this?

Uh, yeah, if you're not a complete loser. Loser.

15. This guy signs off "good night, good fight" on every post and it's really bugging me. What does this mean? Can anyone tell me what this means? Have I missed some essential cultural trivia or is this guy just totally gay?

16. This one describes himself as "not unkind." Yeah, specifics on the internet can be dangerous, dude. Never know who's reading. Good thinking.

17. An entire personal blog about coffee. All that caffeine and I still couldn't stay awake.

18. PHF would be orgasmic over this one. It's about turning some shitty old volvo into "an award-winning race car." How about "a race-winning race car", moron?

19. It is just dawining on me that it is February, and I haven't had one single hug yet this year!

I almost feel sorry for her.


20. Ok, here I've got a confession to make. This last one is out of order. I actually read it second, but moved it down to save the best for last. You are in for a real treat with this. Take a mother's advice, go potty so you don't wet your pants. Really. We'll wait.

The first thing I read: I checked out a waterbed and bought it. I'm bringing it here tomorrow. Pretty sweet. I cleaned out the garage to get it ready for the waterbed. It needs another good sweeping and then a bit of carpet, and it will be ready for occupancy.

Ok, is it just me or is that fucking creepy or what?!?!?!

In the prior post he writes: Trent looked awesome, wearing tight jeans and a tight shirt with my orange leather jacket. He says that he looks gay... (Personally, I've got to side with Trent on this one.) ...He doesn't realize that even if he looks a little gay, it is really hot, and enough girls said that to him that he realized I was right...

Poor, poor Trent.

And in the same post: Skate night was fun, I wish I could skate better, and more often. I really have trouble with going backwards. Yes, he means roller-skating. The eight-wheel variety.

This is a college student! He's either the biggest dork in Blogville or he's a brilliantly creative writer with many, many best sellers in his future.

But wait, there's more! In another post he writes: My dad bought that bus. I don't know if I posted that on here or not. I hope I get to use it sometime, it would be alot of fun.

Use it for what?? To bring chicks back to the waterbed in your garage??

I have to bookmark this just to find out what happens next. He claims not to drink, but he does say this: It makes you wonder, however, if you really are crazy, and this world you live in is really just one made up inside your head, and you might actually be locked up in a straight jacket. Yeeaah, makes you wonder...

Roller skating, waterbeds in garages, and his dad bought a fucking bus. I still don't get it and past posts are not enlightening me. If you promise to leave no incriminating comments, I might link him to him from here at some point in the future. In the meantime, rest assured that I'll keep you updated. Good fucking humor, that one.

I can't stop reading it...

"What am I going to do with my hair tomorrow?" I couldn't make this shit up if I tried. There's a pic and his hair... well, think Duran Duran. No, think bad imitation of Duran Duran. Did I mention the awful moustache that's way wider than his mouth and way darker than his truly awful hair?

It's got to be a joke. For his sake, please let it be a joke.

I've never gotten so much mileage off of one blog before. It's Hell for me for sure, now. It's taking everything I have in me not to leave rude, hilarious anon comments on it. Muuust... resist... muust hit next blog now...


Later : Oh mfg, he just posted again tonight:

The waterbed is set up nicely in the garage. I measured for carpet, and went and looked at the roll of carpet in the attic storage. It was the right width, so I carried it down and rolled it out, and the length was right too. Sweet. It comes just past the door, so you can walk in, take off your shoes on the carpit. That and there is still cement in the workshop part.

I'm at a complete loss. I'm just... speechless. I just spit hot chocolate all over my new keyboard. Fuck.

Later STILL: Shit, I can't stop adding to this. I just found:
I steal my roommates office supplies in my sleep. Seriously, I woke up the other day with his permanent marker under my pillow.

On that note, I'm off to read about vampires by the people who brought us such eloquent Elf sex. And yes, once again, Krypto, I'm thinking of you...


jake said...

A waterbed in the garage. Sounds kinky. Anyone want to try it out with me? I hope the carpeting is shag. You can't have a waterbed in the garage unless the carpet is shag. That's the me I know.

That Girl said...

I think we need the link to this dudes blog. Looks like we could get some good porn out of it in the future. Wonder if he keeps his skates on? Creepy indeed. Nice find on the Portuguese guy but he needs to do something with his hair.

Tshilla said...

Please, please link to his blog. It's scary how many Google results there are for Blog and waterbed in garage...

The Mayor said...

A Black hole of need.

You are too fucking funny. I'm stealing that line immediately.

pete said...

I promise to be good if you will post that link. it would make my day!!

--good night, good fight--

Monkey said...

You had the monkey ROFLMAO this entire post - HILARIOUS - this is a gem! A work of art!

Ole Blue The Heretic said...

Thanks for the laughs! it is great that right before bed I think of sex and her blog.

Krypto said...

Kidney tumor wins the prize, hands-down.

(Glad you still love me.)

daniel said...

"To bring chicks back to the waterbed in your garage??"

Heh. He cannot be serious?

sex scenes at starbucks said...

Jake- I'm pretty sure I've done a garage before, but how about a woodshed?

TG - well, the cement floor in the garage will be handy for skating.

Tshilla- No way, he's mine, all mine...

Mayor - you damn Canadians are always stealing everything of ours! oh, all right, use it. It's not mine anyway.

Pete - well, you did post that pic for me so I might consider it...


(shrug) flirt more. maybe that will work.

Monkey - thank you back! You know it's always an honor to have you "swing" by!

Blue - Too sweet (in a sexy sort of way - my favorite kind of compliment.) Turning red again...

Krypto - 'course I love you, and it's not just for your "grammar", either (wink wink).

Cryp - by his pic he looks like he'll need his dad's bus to get (read- abduct) any chicks to "rollerskate" with him.

Jack - I know you didn't comment, but I think "roller-skating" is a new replacement for "eating biscotti" -- had to make sure YOU knew. Oh, and you can have the last word on your blog, but this one's mine so MY MUSIC IS BETTER THAN YOURS! YOURS SUCKS!

sorry for the shouting. it's been a long day.

Never Sober Man said...

Hey, the whole "Good fight, good night," it's from MTV's Celebrity Deathmatch claymation show, one of the announcer's says it at the end of each episode.

sex scenes at starbucks said...

oh god that fits in perfectly with the personality of his posts. heh.

Greg said...

It takes a special kind of woman to comment on the stupidity of others without explicitly saying, "you're all a bunch of stupid motherfuckers". That special woman is you. Good night, good fight.

bodhi said...

check my site out and please - leave nasty comments. i feed on abuse...well, o.k. maybe not....alright, i'm bored...O.K....i'll let you in on a little secret. I'm really a sim-chimp...that's right, a sim-chimp...part of a secret government experiment in enhancing intelligence in primates...hey, i'm pretty smart! i can type, and write a hellva lot better than you clowns! But all day i sit in a cage in this lab typing,typing,typing, while this college educated asshole stares at me and takes note. Hey, asshole, i'm a chimp! what do you want me to do - throw shit at ya?? O.K., here goes...hahahahahah!
hey, are you cute? Can i sit on your lap and sniff you. maybe you have girlfriends???
Gotta go, the asshole with the shit all over him is coming at me with a tazer.....

sex scenes at starbucks said...

Greg - w & S inside, baby. jeez, I'm gettin' all flustered...

Bhodi - or however you spell it, are you sure you want us? we're pretty mean.

ok, your funeral...