naked mopping in prison. are you excited yet?

You know I don't do political/social/cultural interviews, unless it somehow relates to me or sex (or some combination of the two) but this I couldn't resist. Besides, I'll find a way to bring it around to sex anyway. I nearly always do, right? So bear with me(or is it bare with me? teehee) .

Martha Stewart is the doyenne of keeping house. She rose up through clouds of dust to create her own rag - a magazine on how to live. According to her, "how to live" includes pasttimes like polishing silver and going to tag sales and making homemade crafts with your kids and shit like that. I was into that once. Now I couldn't give a flying fuck (though I am interested in a flying fuck...). Funny how time changes things. But I digress.

Wobbly-hood is fast approaching Martha now, but in her time she was a model. She was pretty hot, too, in an early eighties sort of way. No, there's no link. If you're so interested, Google her. Too many links in a post drive me mad anyway.

Since then she seems to have tapped into the national culture of "home-making." A longing of and for women, who'd gone out into the work force, to come home and do something meaningful with their lives. (How vaccuuming properly is meaningful, she never explained to my satisfaction; but whatever. She's the zillionare, not me.)

I think that's p.c. bullshit. I think she tapped into something more prevelant, and ultimately more powerful. I think she realized the money making potential in a man's horniness. Because; if blogs are to believed, and I think they are; apparently guys think that chicks doing domestic chores is hot. (The fewer clothes the better, of course.) Never got why but apparently it is so. It must be all wrapped up in that freaky wanting-to-fuck-your-mother syndrome that Freud thought up back before we had more important things to think about like the latest styles at Abercrombie.

As far as chicks doing chores: I think guys are tools if this sort of thing turns them on. And if it does turn you on, my advice is to keep close to the vest. Most chicks won't appreciate it.

It's about doing creative things with mop handles, you point out. It's about interrupting vaccuuming the stairs to fuck on the stairs. It's about French maid uniforms.

Do French maids even exist - now or in the past? I somehow doubt it. Oh, there are maids who are French, obviously, but do they wear short-short skirts and tight aprons? Probably about as likely as porn-nurse costumes appearing as regular attire in hospitals; though I'm in agreement with Monkey - those uniforms would make hospital stays much easier to take.

But, you say (struggling to remain patient while waiting for me to get back to the point, which is being nekkid) It's not about getting the chores done. It's about bending over and showing me your ass while you scrub the bathtub.

Yeah, well, I think I might've associated housework with sex for six minutes back in 1991 but now it's been relegated to "pain in the ass" status. But to each his own.

Guys think that women in prison are sexy too. If real life imitates porn, as it should, then the women prisoners just screw the prison guards and each other to pass the time until they get out. And they do domestic duties around the Big House too, mopping and laundry, sweat dripping attractively down the cleavage revealed by their tight zip-up prison uniforms. So it's doubly exciting for guys, I guess.

Like housework sex, I never thought prison sex was all that appealing. But somebody (coughcoughtools!) likes it, because prison porn abounds. Usually the porn- prisoners are wearing cut-offs and tight tank tops. Sometimes they aren't even grey. But hey, it's porn, right? Not real life, as much as Monkey and I would like it to be.

With all of that on my mind lately I decided to consult Martha herself. She's the one expert I could think of that had experience in these two topics - housework and prison, and I'm hoping she'll enlighten us on the link between the two: guys' disturbing, adolescent sexual fantasies.

Me: Thanks for joining us today, Martha.
Martha: I'm delighted to provide help in any way possible. I even have a question/answer collumn in my magazine, Martha Stewart Living, available worldwide for the nominal subscription fee of...
Me: Yeah, well, moving on...
Martha: It's just that subscription rates are way down and the publisher...
Me: I think my audience, which mostly consists of twenty-some boys with a daily masturbation habit, are not your target demographic. Unless...
Martha: Unless?
Me: Unless you've got naked chicks doing dusting?
Martha: er, no...
Me: Too bad. How's prison treating you?
Martha: Very well, considering. I'm on laundry duty, and I must say I've quite revolutionized the system around here. We now are able to change the sheets bedsheets every day, as opposed to semi-annually, like before. During my forty-five minutes of daily outside time I've managed to grow a bit of lavender in a cold-frame and it's nearly ready to be dried for pillow sachets...
Me: Any cute guards there in prison?
Martha: No. They are all women.
Me: That should make my audience sit up a little straighter.
Martha: (after a silence) Well, it's not like that.
Me: No sex?
Martha: NO! We do our chores and read and write letters...
Me: So you claim that pornography does not provide an accurate representation of prison?
Martha: I thought this was going to be about getting blood stains out of concrete...
Me: Well, maybe we should move onto housework.
Martha: It's my area of expertise, after all.
Me: You mean, building a media empire dependant upon the fragile egos of anal-retentive career women trying to satisfy men who expect them to make a high salary while keeping house to your arbitrary standards and fucking like Cosmo whores at night is not your specialty?
Martha: er... I don't think that's quite...
Me: Hehe. Ok, ok, just messin' with ya, Martha.
Martha: It's Ms. Stewart.
Me: Ok, Ms. Stewart. So while developing your skills in cleaning and cooking and keeping house, how did you manage to keep up your skills in the bedroom?
Martha: I've... well, I do need my beauty rest, so...
Me: I read that you only sleep about four hours at night.
Martha: Yes. I pride myself on industriousness and efficiency in all aspects of my life.
Me: All areas? Industriousness and efficiency hardly seem like desirable qualities while fucking. If I told a guy in a bar, "So I'm pretty industrious and efficient in bed," d'ya think that's gonna get him to go home with me?
Martha: Some men... perhaps... Why are we talking about this?
Me: How's your love life treatin' ya? You know, before all this?
Martha: Well, my love life has faltered of course...
Me: What? No cute stockbrokers to play with... that one guy was pretty hot... of course, he turned state's evidence against you, so that probably cooled.
Martha: I'd like to change the subject.
Me: Ok, let's wrap this up. As the Queen of Household Chores, do you think doing housework turns boys on?
Martha: Without a doubt.
Me: Why is that?
Martha: (shrug) Hell if I know. Seems stupid to me. But it's where the money is. Now, didn't you promise me a plug for the new show?
Me: You started casting already, right?
Martha: That's right, Sex. I'm heading up the new Apprentice show. Filming will start up as soon as I am released.
Me: Yeah, I got that email from your magazine. It so neatly demonstrated the new depths of American media, US business morals, and the state of American culture today that I thought it was a joke.
Martha: How do you mean?
Me: Come on, Martha. Don't you see just a touch of irony in a felon convicted of insider trading heading up a television show about newcomers to the business world?
Martha: We expect ratings to be very high.
Me: No doubt.


Jack said...

Ha ha ha, brilliant!

I never found chores or prison all that sexy, or Martha Stewart for that matter... I love French Maid outfits though. I couldn't give any less of a shit if the gal is cleaning while in it.

You're a pushy interviewer. And Martha's a prude. You'd think she be getting all the genitalia she'd ever want being both queen of cleaning and prison... Hell, money too. Every guy wants a sugar mama.

Ha! And I'm first comment! It's sad to be proud of, but whoever else was going to post first would've said it too, so I get to have my jollies too, dammit.

Ole Blue The Heretic said...

Great post!
I don't like prison porn nor the sexy maid outfit thing. It is to much like slavery or bondage and I don't like that. I am all for equality.

So Martha holding up OK? Is she now attrcated to cucumbers and women named Marge?


Monkey said...

I'm with Jack - brilliant post! You write SO WELL!

French Maids and their little uniforms - SURE they exist - in our minds it's alive and well!

I know you're with me on the nurse's uniforms - thanks! We've got to keep life stimulating and more fun and more sexy than even the media portrays it.

Actually believe it or not I don't think women in prison are sexy - now women CLEANING prisons - that's another story!

Loved the Martha Stewart interview! Classic!!!

You rock! Thanks!

That Girl said...

I had this "thing" with a guy at work and we thought that IS would somehow read our e-mail, so we talked in "code" (as if the IS guys wouldn't figure it out). We talked about "doing dishes", "emptying the trash", "vacuuming". You get it, I'm sure. Housework is what you make it. To me it takes on a whole new meaning and it's definately hot. No costumes needed.

AnonyMo said...

If I were the warden of a women's prison, I'd be so indictable. It'd be like Shawshank, but with sex toys. Imagine Martha talking about the etiqutte of receiving the talents of a pleasure-vibe 2000. Do you say "thank you" after prison sex, send a pack of cigs, or what?

Great interview!!

Krypto said...

Good stuff. Well-done.

Housework... not so sexy. I have been known to watch the Food Network to watch women cook, however (and am most definitely a tad bit turned on by it).

Giada De Larentiis is fuckin' gorgeous.

Greg said...

"It must be all wrapped up in that freaky wanting-to-fuck-your-mother syndrome that Freud thought up back before we had more important things to think about like the latest styles at Abercrombie."

Fuckin A sex this post was brimming with brilliance. And I know everybody beat me to the punch by saying that, so let me tell you this. Your nonchalant yet highly stylistic and intensive approach to journalism turns me on more than a mythical french maid tenderly dusting my bejoogles with handful of feathers. And that's, a good thing.

pete said...

To be honest, SEX, the thought of Martha doing housework nude in the slammer until the scene escalates into a prison porn, was quite a turn off. It isn't something that I would find attractive. (naked house chores in general).

sex scenes at starbucks said...

Jack, Blue, Monkey - Jebus, you guys are making me go all red. Thanks so much and thanks for dropping by.

That Girl - the IT guys I knew were mostly losers who had nothing better to do than to catch workerbees in a slip-up like that. Top marks for clever and fun usage of a fetish, though!

Krypto - long time no hear, babe. that cooking chick kinda looks like me...

Greg - you're so clever, darling boy, and any compliment from you is always sooooo appreciated.
warm and squishy inside, and REALLY red now.

Pete - As we learned in Marketing 101 "to be honest" is a big clue that a lie is headed your way.

hehe, just kiddin' ya, petey.

i wasn't talking about Martha doing naked chores... oh, god, and i can't even drink to erase THAT image from my mind now - everybody thank Pete - but if it doesn't turn you on I'm glad for you. you obviously have a bright sexual future ahead of you!

i think naked chores are gross as well. however, i think Jim Morrison is hot, baby. and guitar-speak turns me on, too!

Never Sober Man said...

Last I heard, once martha's out of the big house she's teaming up with disney to make her own prison porn. Kind of a porn the whole family can enjoy together.

jake said...

Did Pete just ruin it for anyone else? I pray I can find the strength to overcome an image that never should have been created. This post was brilliant. Don't let the comments of faltering comprehension levels ruin it. Keep it up Sex.

sex scenes at starbucks said...

anonymo- thanks! as to the other, i haven't been in prison so i dunno. maybe i should have asked martha, even thought she "claims" it never happened for her.

sex scenes at starbucks said...

NSM- hahaha! new game, indeed.

jakester - you want i should break his kneecaps?
no, really, i think pete and me are having a... thing. he made up for the bad imagery by posting his pic of himself dressed up like Jim Morrison. i just hope he gives the dog back to whoever owns it.