You know I don't do political/social/cultural interviews, unless it somehow relates to me or sex (or some combination of the two) but this I couldn't resist. Besides, I'll find a way to bring it around to sex anyway. I nearly always do, right? So bear with me(or is it bare with me? teehee) .
Martha Stewart is the doyenne of keeping house. She rose up through clouds of dust to create her own rag - a magazine on how to live. According to her, "how to live" includes pasttimes like polishing silver and going to tag sales and making homemade crafts with your kids and shit like that. I was into that once. Now I couldn't give a flying fuck (though I am interested in a flying fuck...). Funny how time changes things. But I digress.
Wobbly-hood is fast approaching Martha now, but in her time she was a model. She was pretty hot, too, in an early eighties sort of way. No, there's no link. If you're so interested, Google her. Too many links in a post drive me mad anyway.
Since then she seems to have tapped into the national culture of "home-making." A longing of and for women, who'd gone out into the work force, to come home and do something meaningful with their lives. (How vaccuuming properly is meaningful, she never explained to my satisfaction; but whatever. She's the zillionare, not me.)
I think that's p.c. bullshit. I think she tapped into something more prevelant, and ultimately more powerful. I think she realized the money making potential in a man's horniness. Because; if blogs are to believed, and I think they are; apparently guys think that chicks doing domestic chores is hot. (The fewer clothes the better, of course.) Never got why but apparently it is so. It must be all wrapped up in that freaky wanting-to-fuck-your-mother syndrome that Freud thought up back before we had more important things to think about like the latest styles at Abercrombie.
As far as chicks doing chores: I think guys are tools if this sort of thing turns them on. And if it does turn you on, my advice is to keep close to the vest. Most chicks won't appreciate it.
It's about doing creative things with mop handles, you point out. It's about interrupting vaccuuming the stairs to fuck on the stairs. It's about French maid uniforms.
Do French maids even exist - now or in the past? I somehow doubt it. Oh, there are maids who are French, obviously, but do they wear short-short skirts and tight aprons? Probably about as likely as porn-nurse costumes appearing as regular attire in hospitals; though I'm in agreement with Monkey - those uniforms would make hospital stays much easier to take.
But, you say (struggling to remain patient while waiting for me to get back to the point, which is being nekkid) It's not about getting the chores done. It's about bending over and showing me your ass while you scrub the bathtub.
Yeah, well, I think I might've associated housework with sex for six minutes back in 1991 but now it's been relegated to "pain in the ass" status. But to each his own.
Guys think that women in prison are sexy too. If real life imitates porn, as it should, then the women prisoners just screw the prison guards and each other to pass the time until they get out. And they do domestic duties around the Big House too, mopping and laundry, sweat dripping attractively down the cleavage revealed by their tight zip-up prison uniforms. So it's doubly exciting for guys, I guess.
Like housework sex, I never thought prison sex was all that appealing. But somebody (coughcoughtools!) likes it, because prison porn abounds. Usually the porn- prisoners are wearing cut-offs and tight tank tops. Sometimes they aren't even grey. But hey, it's porn, right? Not real life, as much as Monkey and I would like it to be.
With all of that on my mind lately I decided to consult Martha herself. She's the one expert I could think of that had experience in these two topics - housework and prison, and I'm hoping she'll enlighten us on the link between the two: guys' disturbing, adolescent sexual fantasies.
Me: Thanks for joining us today, Martha.
Martha: I'm delighted to provide help in any way possible. I even have a question/answer collumn in my magazine, Martha Stewart Living, available worldwide for the nominal subscription fee of...
Me: Yeah, well, moving on...
Martha: It's just that subscription rates are way down and the publisher...
Me: I think my audience, which mostly consists of twenty-some boys with a daily masturbation habit, are not your target demographic. Unless...
Me: Unless you've got naked chicks doing dusting?
Martha: er, no...
Me: Too bad. How's prison treating you?
Martha: Very well, considering. I'm on laundry duty, and I must say I've quite revolutionized the system around here. We now are able to change the sheets bedsheets every day, as opposed to semi-annually, like before. During my forty-five minutes of daily outside time I've managed to grow a bit of lavender in a cold-frame and it's nearly ready to be dried for pillow sachets...
Me: Any cute guards there in prison?
Martha: No. They are all women.
Me: That should make my audience sit up a little straighter.
Martha: (after a silence) Well, it's not like that.
Me: No sex?
Martha: NO! We do our chores and read and write letters...
Me: So you claim that pornography does not provide an accurate representation of prison?
Martha: I thought this was going to be about getting blood stains out of concrete...
Me: Well, maybe we should move onto housework.
Martha: It's my area of expertise, after all.
Me: You mean, building a media empire dependant upon the fragile egos of anal-retentive career women trying to satisfy men who expect them to make a high salary while keeping house to your arbitrary standards and fucking like Cosmo whores at night is not your specialty?
Martha: er... I don't think that's quite...
Me: Hehe. Ok, ok, just messin' with ya, Martha.
Martha: It's Ms. Stewart.
Me: Ok, Ms. Stewart. So while developing your skills in cleaning and cooking and keeping house, how did you manage to keep up your skills in the bedroom?
Martha: I've... well, I do need my beauty rest, so...
Me: I read that you only sleep about four hours at night.
Martha: Yes. I pride myself on industriousness and efficiency in all aspects of my life.
Me: All areas? Industriousness and efficiency hardly seem like desirable qualities while fucking. If I told a guy in a bar, "So I'm pretty industrious and efficient in bed," d'ya think that's gonna get him to go home with me?
Martha: Some men... perhaps... Why are we talking about this?
Me: How's your love life treatin' ya? You know, before all this?
Martha: Well, my love life has faltered of course...
Me: What? No cute stockbrokers to play with... that one guy was pretty hot... of course, he turned state's evidence against you, so that probably cooled.
Martha: I'd like to change the subject.
Me: Ok, let's wrap this up. As the Queen of Household Chores, do you think doing housework turns boys on?
Martha: Without a doubt.
Me: Why is that?
Martha: (shrug) Hell if I know. Seems stupid to me. But it's where the money is. Now, didn't you promise me a plug for the new show?
Me: You started casting already, right?
Martha: That's right, Sex. I'm heading up the new Apprentice show. Filming will start up as soon as I am released.
Me: Yeah, I got that email from your magazine. It so neatly demonstrated the new depths of American media, US business morals, and the state of American culture today that I thought it was a joke.
Martha: How do you mean?
Me: Come on, Martha. Don't you see just a touch of irony in a felon convicted of insider trading heading up a television show about newcomers to the business world?
Martha: We expect ratings to be very high.
Me: No doubt.