the dog moon

The whole fuckin Blogland is horny or doin' it, apparently.* (Except for Greg - there something you not telling us, honey?) I've read more shit about sex and masturbation on blogs in the past few days. I've been contemplating it myself (writing about it, that is. When it comes to actual sex, I don't contemplate, of course; I do.) I've been writing a sex scene in this latest book revision and it pretty much sucks. However, if I can borrow from Blogland, I think I have found a way to spice things up.

Because, not only are we horny, we sorta want it a certain style.

Jack!Jack!JACK! writes:

When I was young I was frightened that someone would find out I hump my pillow and think I'm a freak of nature.

Your worst fears come true, Jack. Heh. Just kidding. I'd better be careful. He's finally flirting back and for that I'm eternally grateful. He thinks I moved on and forgot him, or worse! got all sentimental and gave up the flirting completely. Never fear, Jack. I'm all over you, babe. Besides, what do I know? Maybe the pillow was right ways up.

Lunatic is gettin' some action:

Then again Sex Scenes isn't single but whatever, she sure is a lot of fun. We were going about it doggy style and her fucking dog was watching.

It sounds like it was Lunatic and me having the fun, but actually that is mostly** because of poor paragraphical (word, Krypto?) structure. (And that, children, is how we do a proper bloghop-rant. Lack of context is the key.) Looney's actually doing some blonde chic, which rules me out right off. I was blonde briefly, but I had to change hairdressers. PHF and everybody else complained. I'm just not a blonde. I could bleach my eyebrows and pubes and still no one would believe it. I just get too dark in summer, all exotic and shit. I also don't have a dog.

Even our new friend Neurotic Monkey is talking about sex; but of course within the context of popular media, his personal area of expertise and excellence. In this case it's that way cool show Carnivale (Sundays, HBO). This stripper chick wants it to be "special" for her latest luva, so she tells him to "put it back there". She ain't never had it that way before. The lucky guy, who runs the ferris wheel, goes, "Uh, ok." Or something like that; which I think was a pretty true-to-life reaction no matter your career choice. Even educated guys don't seem to care which orifice, as long as there's one available.

Then there's this poor Brit*** who is on the receiving end of the old back door sneak, albeit figuratively. A perenial mystery it is, too; at least for him.

This sex phenomenon occurs every few months and I'm blamin' the moon. However, there is something a little different about this moon. Have you guys seen it this time? It's fuckin HUGE and it's making people crazy for it, even in the bedroom. I'm forever going to call it the Dog-Moon when it gets so close and big and round.


*To put this in actual RL context - as I write this there are five kindergarten boys playing in my back yard. I'm a mother. I'm not dead.

**Wink-wink.

***Thanks to the Mayor

17 comments:

The Neurotic Monkey said...

Why is everyone so randy? My guess? Oscar Fever. One of the symptoms is being overly sexually charged to the point of frustration. Oscar Fever is no laughing matter, it can be potentially fatal. Past victims whose lives have been lost due to Oscar Fever include Jack Lemmon, Walter Matthau, and Natalie Wood. If even a sexual dynamo like Matthau couldn't handle, how can we puny mortals have a shot?

Fuck the Oscars.

Seriously, though...lord knows I'm hard up fer a shag, but I can't figure out why everyone else is. Ummmm...El Nino? Or maybe it has to do with the fact that ever since that clandestine Bush blogger got caught, and then tied in with porn sites, perhaps the new face of blogging is Sexy?

But then you'd be the expert on sexy, SS@S, not moi.

That Girl said...

It IS the MOON! EVERYTHING revolves around the moon! Why do you think I have it linked to my site (this is not a shameless plug - I only said that because that's what's expected of me), the moon explains EVERYTHING!!! It's the moon's fault that I'm going to have to open another fuckin' bottle o' wine in the next half hour (as I can gauge these things by the amount left in the glass). All you freakin' horny people are pissing me off because you're in blogland and not Baltimore, not that there aren't any here, but STRANGER=DANGER. Damn. Why did I switch from fuckin' to freakin'? Sex, do me a favor, do him good tonight, will ya? And the embarrassment begins...

Vir.ti.go said...

Hey Sex, you can tell Jack that he's not a freak of nature. He's MALE!!!! They hump everything!!!! My 2 yr old humps his pillow.... and the rug... and the toys in his crib... and sometimes tries to do it when I carry him on my hip! Hmmm, maybe I should be thinking about this freak of nature thing?

sex scenes at starbucks said...

I'll do my best.

Enjoy the wine. I'm glad you can still type stranger=danger. You're requirement is that you type that in each comment tonight.

sex scenes at starbucks said...

Manic Monkey - it's ok. Call me Sex. All the guys do.

Virtigo - he's a boy-child, and boy-childs think with their wee pee-pees. Jack knows he's normal -I'm just giving him the attention he deserves.

Vir.ti.go said...

Maybe I shouldn't have said anything. Don't want you to fear for monkey girl. Or your carpet.

Greg said...

Yes sex there is something I"m not telling you. I lost my penis on the subway. Don't ask.

That Girl said...

Sex~ Have you been following me??? I HAVE typed STRANGER=DANGER 5 times already!

Greg, what's the prize if I find your penis??? Nevermind, you're barely legal. But then, you ARE legal. Hmm. Gotta catch a train...

Backspacing is a bitch.

Kay said...

So when I say that I have sex once in a blue moon it's not really an exaggeration?

Geez, and I thought it had something to do with ME!

sex scenes at starbucks said...

Greg - I'll look for your sex on the subway (a great name for a blog, btw) story later in the weekend.

TG- I'll look for your pursuit of Greg (he's cute - but wrong coast) story later in the weekend; as well as the bitch of a hangover story.

Kayten - Nah, it's the Dog Mooon.
Now we say, "I have sex once in a Dog Moon." That is, if we're gettin' any.

Virtigo - Monkey Girl can handle the men. I'm not concerned.

Jack said...

In my case I believe it's the old "I'm always horny but felt the need to talk about it now" syndrome. Who knows, the moon might have something to do with it. Fuck if I care.

sex scenes at starbucks said...

I don't really care about why everyone's horny either, Jack (except for you) but I got nothin' to say here. I'm all dried up.

Greg said...

That girl please try and find it for me. It shouldn't be hard to miss...

And sex, the subway story hits a little bit too close to home right now...

sex scenes at starbucks said...

Greg, you sound down about it. :(

I'm down too. We're all hungover from our sexual debauchery (or in my case, lack thereof) last night.

Lunatic said...

Damn, sorry about that Sex. I does kinda sound like I was talkin' about you. I was kinda in a hurry.

sex scenes at starbucks said...

Hey, I'd was flattered just to be mentioned in the same post as your sex life.

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