watch it or i'll go all alias on your ass

I watched Alias last night. That's my favorite show. Yeah, I know, same ole weak plot line, rife with done-to-death secrets and horrible past history between the major players. "Let's see, you killed my wife and I killed your'n, but sure, what the hell, we always made a good team."

Riiiight.

But, you know, plot is not why we watch, is it?

Let's see, it must be the fine acting.

Ok, then, it must be that sad, sallow Michael character, who is always wrinkling his forehead unattractively over Sidney's shoulder because she never lets him all the way "in" emotionally. (She lets him "in" in other ways, though. Why, I don't know.)

No, no, I'm just joshin' ya. We watch because we like to see Jennifer Garner kicking the ass of every guy who looks at her cross-eyed.

I want to be her. Not Jennifer Garner (I think she may be a few plates short of an eight piece table setting) but I want to be Sidney. I want to be as tall as y'all and kick all your asses. At this point, I'm only tall enough to kick your knees, so I have to resort to giving you shit on this this lame-ass blog instead.

That girl is strong. She just walks around all normal and shit, but I bet she can bench 100 pounds. (Is that a lot? It sounds like a lot.) I, personally, have never "benched" anything. I can do about 40 pounds pretty easy with free weights - meaning with lots of reps. Sometime I'll have to just see how much I can bench, whenever my trainer gets back "in country." I'm not as tall, so I lack that sort of "presence" she has, but I do think my shoulders and arms are as toned as hers.

I've been in this dilemma about my own physique. Now, don't get the wrong idea. I'm not some she-man. But I am pretty strong for my size. I don't really want to get all bulky, but I love to lift weights. I could do it twice a day. I think I won't increase my weights, and then it gets easy, and I do. I'm completely addicted. I also like being able to lift my kids without trouble. I like being able to pick up a couple of gallons of milk in one hand, no problem. I like being strong. Sidney helps me feel better about that "untraditional" side of my personality. Her ass made me feel a bit better about my own too. I noticed "lots of black" on the bottom. Now, I'm sure it's all muscle, having seen her move, kind of like the "muscle" or whatever on the inside of my thighs. But it's nice to see someone who's in good shape without being rail thin on tv.

Ok, who the hell am I kidding? Why is her ass suddenly so big? I don't get it. Do some leg lifts or something, Jen.

The first season Alias was like the A-team. No one actually died; or if they did, they kicked it politely off-camera. Now, they're throwing people off of trains and the camera holds for the clanking noise they make when they hit a piling. And every year Sidney gets bigger and stronger-looking. She also does more damage. There will be this giant guy (someone after the tradition of BSG) coming after her and she'll kick him in the chest and follow up with the heel of her hand in his nose down he'll go, spouting blood. Last night she kicked the ass of her would-be assassin and he impaled himself on his own samari sword. It was getting a bit matrix-y with all the ducking and leaning back at the knee, but it was still way cool.

So I looked at myself in the mirror today, and I said, "Self. Kick ass. Don't be scared to be strong."

My trainer asked me that, way back when: "Don't you want to be strong?"

I shrugged. Strong was for men.

But, now, I guess, it's for me.






2 comments:

T Kwong said...

My cousian is little and strong and it looks fine. Just don't go all ape shit excercise-eating-disorder-thing and you can be tough and not look ridiculous. Besides, dancers are ripped as hell and they look great. Don't worry about being non-traditional either, all the hipster kids love non-traditional women.

Jennifer Garner's ass is probably big either through strategic training or padding. I've resisted watching Alias because it has just enough camp to make me addicted.

daniel said...

[quote]i'll go all alias on your ass[/quote]

promises, promises.