fuck furniture

And the usage of fuck is meant to be as an adjective, not a verb.

Naivety always slaps me in the face just when I think I'm with it. I'm pretty hip, but what with years of marriage and middle age looming like a Sequoia about to fall (ok, not that close, middle age for me is over a decade away because I'm going to live until I'm 98), I'll grant that I've missed an advancement or two in the realm of sex.

I also appreciate that as an American I'm thought of as quite puritan by the rest of the world, as the US seems to be so shy about sex. We give our penises and vaginas cutsey names and call intercourse anything but: hook up, get laid, make whoopie, bedsheet tango, nookie, bonk, fuck, get it on, get a peice of ass, quickie, screw, bang; my fav, of course: the nasty; (this is by no means a comprehensive list) and even the ubiquitous "doin' it." I mean, how vague can you get, right? Doin' it. Of course, the upside of this attitude is how it enables four adults to sit around and giggle for two hours over sexual references in a nice restuarant until they are politely refused decent alcohol.

But as for me personally, I'm no shrinking violet (a term I've always thought more applicable to men for obvious reasons). I might not detail my experiences with abandon, but be assured I'm having them with abandon; and I'm not shy if the subject comes up. I enjoy my bit of porn now and again. I do the fantasy thaing (umm, Cryptic, hmmm). I read sex shit on the web (all your blogs, for instance and there's some sex bein' had out there). I hit links like the rest of us. I even have truly grown to enjoy writing sex scenes in my fiction.
(Hopefully PHF enjoys the urges they inspire... or do the urges inspire the scenes? Hmm.) And I've never pretended not to enjoy my time in the sack. I mean, my own blog has Sex in the title, for crissake. We all do it and no doubt it's way fun. No harm in admission so I'll do so right here, right now.

I like sex. Love it, in fact.

I'm not alone in this. People are doin' it, and they LIKE doin' it, and they LOVE to talk about doin' it. Everybody talks about the opposite sex ALL THE TIME, (or same sex, if that's your bag). Hell, I'm even married and I do it too. We as a race of beings are simply obsessed by the entire event: from the prospect of eyeing a potential to the point of marriage (where rumor has it - sex goes to die) and every related moment in between.

And there are those turn-ons and fetishes out there, from the funny to damn-hot: stuffed animals, bondage, lingerie, etc. Licking, biting, pain, tickling... And then we like talk about which body part we like best: feet, legs, fingers, tits, asses. My personal spot is that curve of muscle between a guy's neck and his shoulder... hmm. See that on a guy and I just wanna sink my teeth in...


I think I need a minute.


When we aren't talking about hookin' up, we're talking about our sex toys; even going so far as to eulegize our Vibrators Who Have Gone to the Great Vagina in the Sky. And the topic of masturbation is downright prevalent. I guess if you're a guy between the ages of about 13 and 30 it seems to be a regular part of your day (if blogs can be believed, and I think in this they can be). Guys talk about it matter-of-factly, how long it takes, when they can fit it into their busy schedules, they discuss pictures that get them off and sexy noises... (There's a funny psychology about talking about jacking off I think, like you admit you do it so that means... what? That you do actually do it and it's ok? Or does it mean that you don't do it? There's got to be more to it than the obvious. Anyone care to enlighten me?) Anyway, I've read an awful lot of discourse on masturbation from guys since this whole blog thing got going for me about six months ago. TMI to be sure, but what can you do? Apparently, it's a part of who they are.

None of this offends me. I'm virtually un-offendable (not throwing out a challenge here) and I've heard and done and seen LOTS of things. I'm ok with it. Even if sometimes my own reaction surprises me (like, who knew guys kissing each other could be so damn sexy?) I figured by now I'd pretty much heard or seen all the world had to offer up on sex.

But I didn't know there was such a thing as fuck furniture. Ok, they call them sex wedges or some such, but shit. They are big foam thingies to put on the bed or floor and do it on. PHF found an ad in the back of his Car and Driver and pointed it out to me - of course mightily amused that he'd found something with which to surprise me.

So I looked at the website and studied the pix and even with a stray nipple here and a stray hard-on there I've got to say I didn't even feel a tingle. All I could think was: Hmm. Isn't innovation supposed to be part of the fun?

I'm having trouble accepting that these products actually enhance sex. We've all done crazy angles and shit - you know, you just sort of shift until it's right/ and I'll try about anything once. But sliding on my back down a foam wedge didn't look all that appealing. Also, there's the "arrange the furniture" aspect. You can buy like four different pieces and arrange them in "countless ways for countless positions" (their words, not mine - and besides, there's no such thing as countless positions. I guess if you're measuring in infinite numbers and by the milimeter, then perhaps; but they're really all a variation of the the basic say, dozen or so. See Kama Sutra).

And, what if you want a switcheroo-to-something-new? You've got to stop and "arrange the furniture" again. In my experience, the last thing anybody (trying to keep vague here) wants to do in the middle of the nasty is pause to move stuff around. Actually, having to do so usually inspires a breathless cuss word or two, and maybe a glass of water spilled from the nightstand when hit by a poorly thrown pillow.

It's not even the romance factor - because really I'm in it more for the sex (again, aren't we all?) and pausing for adjustment is natural. But this is a big blue foam doohickey. You've pretty much got to stand up to move the thing, and then the other person has to arrange themselves on it. And that, I'd venture to say, might take long enough to kinda kill the mood.

Of course, it could alleviate those anxious moments when you actually have to broach the subject of having sex with your partner. Some people are uncomfortable with the question, "So, ya wanna do it?" It could become the new codeword for such couples, in fact. Instead of stripping off your clothes as you walk to the bed, sofa, woodland glen or where ever it is that you choose to partake, you could just set up this big blue foam cushion. I bet your partner would catch on. Maybe they'd even be turned on.

But if they were to say "not tonight", which happens on occassion, then you've got the proverbial gigantic "white elephant" (or "big blue foam wedge" which is as effective a term) in the room with you. Because these things are big enough that storage is an issue.

Anyway, I plan on keeping mine in the corner behind the armoire and a full review will be forthcoming once we've put it through its paces.


BlueLotus said...

Interesting! I will have to check that out. By the way... how many toys do YOU own?

sex scenes at starbucks said...

one, and his name is PHF.

Jack said...

Only certain men admit to jacking off. For them, I dunno, I guess a certain pride comes from it or something. Then others are on the other end of the spectrum where their jacking off is felt to be private and that it's embarresing and socially dehibilitating to admit to it. Maybe that's why people talk about it so freely sometimes: to break down that wall of social awkwardness with the comradarie that comes from knowing everybody does it.

Greg said...

Jack is 100% correct. Well done, Jack.

It's lovely for us guys because there's no such thing as a "killed mood". As a matter of fact, if i stopped completely during sex, went to the kitchen, grabbed a cup of water and took my time coming back, I'd probably enter the room hornier than i left it. Rekindling a former erection is a refreshing experience. That's when the horny really juices flow. But after being hard for a while, the horny juices taper off which is, of course, what helps us last longer. So short breaks from fucking, in my short personal experience, encourages me to fuck longer.

But how bad is a killed mood for women? How long does it take or how does it compare to dudes? Like, if i'm about to put it in but then i'm like, "hold i'm gonna use the bathroom" is that a turnoff? I've done that before. Just checking.

Yay it's like an open mic sex talk. Sex, you're the sexpert, I may have pride but humble me with your knowledge. The last girl I was with preferred me to thrust less and leave it inside her while I did a rocking motion to spelunk her out, do girls like thrusting as much as guys do? Or do they prefer large portions of penis inside of them at all times? Okay I'm done for now.

Greg said...

Oh yeah sex, I got my HK pics back. My scanner is broken but I have a single digi cam pic in which i look very very frightened (of the swarm of asian people), but I'm gonna give you honors to see it anyways because you've been a good customer. That is of course, if you trade me. I promise I won't beat off to your picture, unless you give me permission. So wutcha say?

T Kwong said...

"Swarm of Asian people," if it wasn't so accurate, I'd be offended. "Seething mass," would also be approprriate, especially on the subway.

SS@S, if I ever decide to do a thesis on gender roles I'm calling you.


daniel said...

You need some of this to brighten your day.

Ctrl + C, Ctrl + V:


sex scenes at starbucks said...

Shit Greg, I like all of it. And I think I made it clear that I'm no expert. I didn't even know about the fuck furniture, did I??

I can't answer you questions because all of them would be answered differently by different women. We're not like you guys - boom boom all done. All of us like different things, and even at different times. Sometimes I'm in a quickie mood, othertimes I want some real love, and sometimes I just want fucked.

As for the pic - I'll hunt around and see if there's a decent one. I'm usually the one taking the pix so there aren't that many of me.

sex scenes at starbucks said...

Cryp - you naughty boy! You know how I love that.
Thomas- uh, thanks, I guess. I don't quite get what you're talking about, but thanks.
Jack- thanks for the clarification.
Greg- I think it's awesome that you actually ask the questions - shows your sweet and caring side (careful, there!) but next time ask them of your luva. Some time when you're feeling intimate but not all hot and heavy (hate the inquisition then!) As for the killing-the- mood thing - for chicks it's a mind game. Sure, what he's doing is important, but I can talk myself right out of or right into the mood if I want. Even if he's the world's greatest (insert pleasuring feature here).

WackyGuy said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
sex scenes at starbucks said...

Three questions, but who's counting?

Why flirty? Why not? I love to flirt, and just never gave it up.

PHF does read, when he gets time (he's a busy, busy Pony Haired Fool, managing those engineers like he does). Does he mind my flirting? I don't think so, as long as I leave him out of it most of the time. He does tell me when I get to talking about him too much.

I couldn't make him jealous if I tried. He knows who I really want.

Who are YOU?? If you're worthy, I'll flirt with you too - though you might be a chick?? Who knows? If MB is correct, I'm actually a forty year old bald guy.

Greg said...

You may be a 40 year old bald guy but my fantasy of the original SS@S still lives on.

sex scenes at starbucks said...

and you say you won't jack off on my pic.

WackyGuy said...

Three questions... right. I started with one which led to another and another. It happens.

Who am I you ask. I am just some guy tired of work, feeling like these cube walls get closer together everyday. Who came up with the idea of cubes anyway? Have you ever watched office space? I can relate all too well.

"If you're worthy, I'll flirt with you too...."
I’m not big on flirting with anyone other than my wife. To each his/her own on that one.

sex scenes at starbucks said...

Hey WG! Where'd ya go.

Huh. Musta scared him off.

WackyGuy said...

Whoops, didnt mean to delete it.

sex scenes at starbucks said...

WG - you sound a little down out there in Cubeland. Well, hang around here for a bit and we'll do our best to cheer you up. Loved the website, btw. Hilarious. It reminds me of that old Onion headline: "Nike drops athletic apparel line in order to focus on advertising."

As for the flirting... hmmm. Try not to take it personally. And I'll try not to take it personally when you don't flirt back. I mean, Cryppy's been "not flirting back" for days now and I'm fine with it. (Shit, now my keyboard is all waterlogged. Got to go.)