can you break your ass and still walk?

For the record, Greg, I went five hours. So there.

But that beer was fucking good, when I got it.

Tonight I'll dream of someone - twenty-two-ish, washboard abs, broad shoulders, great thighs - to rub my calves. PHF is sick of it by now. Ok, can't walk right, my calves are KILLING me, my hands suddenly sieze for no reason, and my ASS HURTS. Because yeah, Einstein, I fell on it. A few fucking times.

But all in all, I absolutely LOVED snowboarding. It was so worth the pain. I actually stayed up - like actually turned and stopped on my edges and shit. I never even stopped the lift. I'm just so impressed with myself. Moreover, PHF was impressed too, which makes me happy, and me happy only leads to good things for him.

Now don't get me wrong. I spent plenty of time on the snow. But I learned that there's a cultural thing among snowboarders - it's cool to sit there in the snow. Even the good ones wipe out sometimes. No one gave me any funny looks or anything, which was cool. It's different among skiers, who are, frankly, a bunch of ski-pole-up-the-ass snobs, comparatively. Good skiers don't fall down. They just don't. I always did. Following that logic, I suck at skiing.

But like Greg about the sex, I've got some questions about my new sport:

1. See title. And what do I do about it? Nothin?

2. Does anybody but the resorts call it "riding"? And if they do, does anybody but me think that's a stupid term? If they don't, what the hell do you actually call it - you know, when you're being hip and shit?

3. Why were all of the instructors hot, young, flirty Swiss and Aussie guys with sexy eyes and accents, except for one - mine - who was a lady in her forties? (Ok, for the record, she was way cool and an excellent instructor. But c'mon. A little eye-candy would have soothed the aches and pains, ya know?)

4. How long until I do a whole run without falling down? No, actually, my last run was pretty good - lots of upright time. Of course the digital camera only has film of me face-planting.

5. How many lessons do I need? I mean, that shit is expensive!

6. Who is the fucker who told me it's not athletic at all? When I remember you, you're so dead.

7. If one guy says about his other guy friend, to me on the lift, "He was so mad at me because I took a lesson without him, the opportunity just came up so I did it a couple of weeks ago. But, I mean, I'm here with him now. And he's just so pessimistic about it. Of course, he's pessimistic about everything..." does that mean he's gay? Maybe not lovers, but they're gay pals for sure, right?

8. People don't snowboard/ride/board or whatever the hell you call it on black runs, right? Or maybe they do, and carve off the moguls? I don't get it. I guess it doesn't matter, since I'm scared of heights I'll probably never go black. Blue, perhaps, which I used to ski back in the day.

9. The bunny hill is two lifts away and I was hungry at lunchtime so I rode the lift down on the instructors recommendation instead of spending another hour getting to the base - I did go to the base on my board at the end of the day, though. But, when riding back down on the lift is it expected that you say "hey" to the folks going up? Or is it better to politely ignore? (I chose the latter but felt funny about it.)

10. To helmet or not to helmet? I never hit my head yesterday, but I wonder. I would actually prefer to not - never did any sport but horse-back-riding in a helmet before. As far as I could tell there was no consensus on the slopes.

Also, the Lad loved it, which was almost as cool as me loving it. He rode the little conveyor belt at the baby bunny hill like a pro, the teacher helped him with his binding, and then he just pointed and went. Sometimes the kid even edged a stop.

Man, we were so impressed. The downside is that he thinks he's the shit now.

Yeah, we went to the Lariat last night - three rounds for the two of us for under twenty bucks - and that included generous tips. Yeah, great Blog Fodder for sure. But tomorrow's another day.


8 comments:

Greg said...
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Greg said...

First off I must say sex, I am so proud of you. You say you were catching edges, most twinkies just fall to brake. But then you say you didn't even stop the lift??? Amazing... I am truly proud.

1. See title. And what do I do about it? Nothin?

I think you can break your ass and still walk. Although I think the question is can you break your ass and still sit? Either way, just rub some icy hot on it, although if your bum is as good as you say it is the stuff might have a hard time penetrating to the muscle.

2. Does anybody but the resorts call it "riding"? And if they do, does anybody but me think that's a stupid term? If they don't, what the hell do you actually call it - you know, when you're being hip and shit?

"Riding" is a gay term. You could always go with the obvious and call it "boardin". Usually when I describe myself being a hipster, I don't use a single word. Nono, I say things like, "yeah I was smashin down that mountain. Fuck I was flyin. Yeah, I urinated my name in the snow... I marked my territory motherfucker" ya know?

3. Why were all of the instructors hot, young, flirty Swiss and Aussie guys with sexy eyes and accents, except for one - mine - who was a lady in her forties?

Can't help you there I taught myself. Like a true hipster. Yeah...

4. How long until I do a whole run without falling down?

Didn't stop the lift you say? I'd say by your 3rd or 4th time you should be fairly upright in general then. Once you stop falling though its time to start the cycle back up by tackling some way hard shit. I tried hitting the half-pipe yesterday. My fuckin shoulder...

5. How many lessons do I need? I mean, that shit is expensive!

NONE!

6. Who is the fucker who told me it's not athletic at all? When I remember you, you're so dead.

I dunno but when you find him i'll help ya give him a good mollywhompin.

7. If one guy says about his other guy friend, to me on the lift, "He was so mad at me because I took a lesson without him, the opportunity just came up so I did it a couple of weeks ago. But, I mean, I'm here with him now. And he's just so pessimistic about it. Of course, he's pessimistic about everything..." does that mean he's gay? Maybe not lovers, but they're gay pals for sure, right?

Only gay lovers would ever analyze each other like that.

8. People don't snowboard/ride/board or whatever the hell you call it on black runs, right?

It's really hard but i've seen plenty of people hit a double black on a snowboard without moguls. The hardest I've done was a really steep black. I didn't look too pretty going down it but I got down without tumbling down like a piece of spinach. Whatever that means.

9. But, when riding back down on the lift is it expected that you say "hey" to the folks going up? Or is it better to politely ignore? (I chose the latter but felt funny about it.)

Ignore the fuckers, they're probably all thinking, "aww wuts this chic's deal? Wuss"

10. To helmet or not to helmet?

NO! Do you want to be a hipster or not? Oh i see, you're probably one of those people who use umbrellas in the rain huh? No helmets.

T Kwong said...

Re: 10):

Or they're just in denial.

-Thomas

sex scenes at starbucks said...

Thanks, Greg!

Bar post coming hopefully tonight.

Thomas - yeah, I still don't know about the helmet, but I'm likely not going to do it so far. If I ever start really pushing it then I'll revisit the issue. I skiied for years without one and I'm ok. And when I was hit by the car on my bike a helmet would have done me no good either.

Greg said...

I only recommend a helmet for half-pipe runs.

T Kwong said...

Now, that I think about it, my answer could have worked for #7 too.

Helmet is good for biking (saved my life anyway), but questionable for snow sports. I'd agree with Greg on this one.

-Thomas

sex scenes at starbucks said...

hee hee, yup, definitely in denial.

Inland, Dreaming said...

Could somebody enlighten me, who has never been snowboarding? What does "I never caught the lift mean?"