it's in the mail

I know I'm a wishy washy sort of person, resistant to expressing my direct opinion in case I offend, but I'm going out on limb here. It's totally out of character, so brace yourself.

Christmas letters suck the big wang.

I know, yours is super, and everyone begs for it every year. Riiight. Clue: they are lying. And not to be nice, either. They are laughing at you behind your back.

Issue number 1: Didn't pay attention in English class? It shows.

Issue number 2: You think you're more clever than the rest of us. I even get one each year that is a poem. You guys know how I feel about poetry. Any latent talent among the general population for writing poetry died in the early 1800s, and that's a fact. Clue: rhyming doesn't make it clever poetry.

Issue number 3: Your life is boring, and much like mine. You aren't living an original life, no more than I am, so save the descriptions of how four year old Johnny made the only goal (by accident, you neglected to add) on his soccer team. How facinating that fifteen year old Camile is looking forward to getting her driver's licence. My GOD, she's completely DIFFERENT from every other fifteen year old in the US.

Issue number 4: You can afford a vacation. Thanks for making the rest of us feel like shit. Don't even get me started on the vacations. We got no less than FIVE (count 'em - FIVE!) letters saying how they came to Colorado for a wonderful vacation, replete with fuzzy photos. Did any of them stop by to say "hi?" Nope. Did my friend straight off the boat from Iraq, who I've not seen in lo these fifteen years, write and say she would, call and arrange a time, and then actually sit in my kitchen and converse for two hours? Yup. Guess who made the better impression.

That said, what do I like? The photo cards. Cute kids (usually someone has a booger, but I don't care) in a photo, and you get to see how big they're getting and who (poor thing!) got their mom's thighs, and what they little faces look like these days. Do I have to read anything? Nope. Do I save them? Every one.

We did a photo card. Huh? Yeah, yeah, it'll get there. It's in the mail.

Unrelated? Since when is "fag" a cuss word? They keep blanking it out on the radio. Did I miss something?

1 comment:

Greg said...

bahah sex you're the bomb diggity when you get your sound disturbed. I say you lay the smacketh downeth more often, you have our respect, you can alienate us freely at this point. Push us away and we'll keep coming back, because you're sex scenes at starbucks, and thats just how it goes.