i want to fuck you like an animal

I apologize for the song lyrics. They appeared in a moment of weakness between my second and third cups of tea. I'm still off on this NIN Closer analysis. He sure knows how to charm the birds. Well, this bird anyway. Yummy.

It's time to start thinking of your resolutions, people. I know, it's early, but you've got to get your homework done. I've only got the one; which is to be myself.

I'm not so good at being myself. I'm an excellent role player; a chameleon of sorts. I can fit into nearly any situation - at least for a while - before people start realizing there's something off about me.

It's the sex. I'm at least as horny as the next guy (and I do mean "guy") and I don't think is all that usual for women. Well, maybe it is and they hide it better. I can lie like a Aubasson rug, but I can't hide the horny thing for long.

For me, it translates into flirting. It's nothing personal, you understand. I just flirt with whatever guy is available, anywhere: on a blog, at the mall, at my kids' schools, at a restaurant; be him twenty or fifty. Basically, I do it everywhere but the gym, because the guys there aren't so hot. They think they are, with their buldging muscles and shit; but actually, they spend an inordinate amount of time grunting and sticking their tongues to one corner of their lips in concentration and looking around to see if anybody noticed how much they just benched, which isn't so attractive. Oh, and they mostly smell bad too.

A friend told me lately, "I wish first dates were allowed in marriage." Me too, if by first dates she meant very little talking and an evening of raunchy sex with a nameless stranger. But, alas, it's not allowed. Actually, not alas. I'm actually quite satisfied...

Which perhaps explains why I am the way I am. You know there are some women who garner a lot of attention, and no one quite knows why. They aren't classically beautiful or model thin or wear the best clothes, but there's something there, some intentional or unintentional measure of sensuality that refuses to be hidden.

I've got a neighbor like that. One time I was standing outside with three guys looking at a jeep to perhaps buy, and she pulled up in her jeep and got out and leaned in the back to get her kid out and all three guys, including PHF and he isn't a lookie-lu, went very quiet for a moment.

Then one of them them sort of cleared his throat, and said something like, "I like that bumper."

And I said, "Yeah, you were looking at a bumper all right, but it wasn't on that jeep."

I'm like that, I think, though perhaps not to the degree of some. In college I used to be able to pretty much go to a bar and pick a guy and capture his attention. There was some time in my twenties that the ability faded away - I wasn't horny enough, I guess. But it's back. I garner looks, pretty often, and I'm not quite sure why. I'm short (no long luscious legs to wrap around your waist), still growing out a bad haircut, and the cup doesn't exactly runneth over. So I can only guess that it's the horny vibes.

Yeah, I know they look. I'm not pretending they don't any more, and I won't get all haughty and shit and pretend I don't like it. And they look at me whether I'm in the mood or not. Most of the time I am, but sometimes I think, Christ, I'm just taking my kid to get a prescription. Not in the mood to sway my hips for you just now. And if you haven't caught on yet, I'm not particularly fond of being watched at the gym, for the same reasons that I don't watch others. Yeah, the whole grunting, stinky thing is quite the turn-off, especially when it's me.

The one guy I rarely flirt with is PHF. I asked him once if he wanted me to flirt with him more and he looked at me sideways as if to say, "I've seen two babies pulled out of an incision in your stomach. We're a little past that, don't you think?"

But still, I scammed on him the other night at the pub, and it worked beautifully. Just like in college. I picked the guy and captured his attention for the night. We even made out on the dance floor. Bonus round: I got to go home with him.

Many Happy Returns and try to keep together at the mall.