how to pick up a girl: whether you want to keep her or not is up to you

Damn it's early. I'm not sleeping, because I'm sick. It's against my religion to leave my bed before 5, even when I've been awake since about 3. It's the first night in about three that I didn't have some Bushmills before bed and I slept like crazy on those nights. I'm thinkin' I'll go back to the Bushmills tonight.

Damn it's early.

Read something last night that got me to thinking. Where? Oh, nowhere special. (coughcoughkrypto). Sorry it's too early for gdfhtml.

He is wondering why he can't get a girl; whether for a one night stand or a regular thing, I don't know - it's been long enough now that maybe he's past caring. I saw his pic last night and I don't get it either, frankly.

This isn't really aimed at him per say, but like I said, it got me to thinking. I'm not so much a flirt as a Looker, and when I go out to bars I get to observe this dance pretty regularly as a non-participant. I figure guys are out looking for one of two things: sex or a relationship, pretty much like the girls are. That whole "guys are out for one thing" concept is bullshit, because I've known too many guys who aren't just in it for the sex. Not that there aren't plenty who are, and there are plenty of girls in that camp too. I'm just saying that everybody on both sides are looking to hook up, whether for a night or a lifetime. I always figured a night was lucky; a lifetime is providence. Can't force it.

So over the course of the last two hours while laying in bed and sniffling and sneezing and coughing I came up with a few helpful hints and examples to achieve whatever it is you're looking for. I've played both fields - sex vs relationship, I mean - and so I speak from some experience.
Krypto went into this whole "cool" analysis, what is cool, etc. It's confidence with a measure of could-care-less (he used a whole lot of big words, but it's too early in the day for that shit). But I think I can elaborate on some rules of the game that make you cool without being an asshole, and on the market without being needy. And the rules are pretty much the same, no matter what you're after.

1. Show me your shallow side
I know, I know, there's more to you than just a pretty face. But guess what? I'm a single chick who's drunk and in a bar and I'm mostly interested in one thing. Ok, two. First, your face - are you cute? Lookin' good. Now, turn around, let's see that ass...

2. Show me some more of your shallow side
Look. And then look again. Then look around, talk to your friends and then look again. You know the game. Sure you like long walks in moonlight, and you secretly write poetry, and you love to cuddle. Save it for your dog. You're on the market. Act like it.

And while I'm on the topic, do your scoping and then settle on a possibility or two or three. Nothing made me give up quicker than a guy who just scoped the whole room over and over. He's not even committing to staring at one girl, how am I going to get him to commit to an evening of raucous sex between nameless strangers?

3. Yup. More shallow
You can push the envelope a little bit with the whole cool thing, in fact, you should. It's a matter of crossing the line carefully and just sometimes. Break off a stare to talk to some other girl. Sit down and take up more than your fair share of space. Laugh too loudly. Live a little. Don't be so nice all the time. Everybody likes a touch of danger.

4. Be the life of the party
Fun draws the eye.

So don't stand around by the wall, drink in hand, not talking to your friends and only looking at the merchandise. That's boring. Laugh, have fun. You're in a bar. If your friends don't talk and have fun, then you got bigger problems than not getting laid.

I've been in these groups countless times - you know the one. The wild group that's having a blast. Mixed gender or not, two or ten people, it doesn't matter. Everyone wants to be you, or at least with you.

Once I went out to the bar at the lake with PHF and uh, let's call him Speed Racer. Well, we'd had a hell of a fun day. We'd been snowmobiling, and it was one of those perfect days: 30 degrees, no wind, sun shining and about two feet of powder. Awesome, in a word. We were exhausted and staggering with hunger, but we went to two bars that night and met people at both bars. I looked about as bad as I ever do - my hair had been under a helmet all day and I'm not one of those ponytail girls, so I had a bandana over my head. I'm pretty sure we smelled bad too, like gas and sweat. But we sat at the bar with our guides and drank and ate and laughed and talked to more people. Then we went out for round two in town, and met a ton of other people. And all of us were married, pretty well shit-faced drunk, and not one of us put much effort into our appearance that night. We were the group though; the one everyone wanted to be in.

5. Play your ace.
The way I figure it, everybody's got a few brash moments coming to them. You know, when you say or do something bold and it pays off. Ok, some people get more than others, but that's just life.

Some people just sit on their aces and never play them. It does take some practice. You can try something like this: find the cutest girl in the bar. Just as you're leaving, walk over to her and say: "You're the cutest girl in here. Too bad I've got to leave. Have a good night, I guess." And then make like a tree. That part's really important. So what if you never see her again? That's the point. It's good practice, you spread a little random kindness, and there's nothing for her boyfriend to get pissed off about. You complimented her and left.

A word to the wise though: get between your mark and the door. My friend and I went to the lake bar once (everything good happens there) and we saw a couple of guys who were different. After playing "One of these things is not like the others," to determine that they weren't gay, we came up with the idea of having the girl bartender take them beers and tell them they were the cutest guys in the place. We were leaving, but not quick enough. The bartender beat us to the punch and the guys caught us on the way out the door. It was ok though, they were fun to talk to. And we were right about the different part. They were European.

6. Know the enemy.
Research. Watch your mark. Is she interested at all? Guys are so oblivious sometimes. (Ok, all of the time.)

Catch a freakin' clue. I've been approached so many times by guys before there was so much as a glance between us or before they noticed I wasn't on the market. I've even been picked up on with my husband around. Losers. God forbid should they take a gander at my left hand and see the ice there.

Someone told me (a psych major - go figure) that research has proved that guys seek out married chicks. Buuuullshit. They don't even frickin' notice. Usually when I tell them I'm married they stare at me with that second or two of mouth hang-time, and then make their excuses. Actually, that's not true. I've only had one guy walk away in a manner approaching rude, and it was dumbfounding, to say the least. Once they find out I'm married, most of the guys want me to help them scope out available chicks.

7. Orchestrate, Manipulate, and then sell, sell, sell
I don't know how to say this except by example. When I was a freshman in college, I went to this bar in town all the time. The cutest, coolest guy there and I exchanged repeated meaningful glances. Well, I heard through the grapevine he was a junior (legal to drink and everything) and me as a measly freshman wouldn't approach him. What in hell would I say?? (By the way, I suck at small talk. Someone mentioned to me recently that they saw me "work a table." I laughed. I don't know what I was doing, but it wasn't intended.) He never approached me, though he looked, and I looked and he looked... and so it went for about six months.

Yeah. I pretty much gave up on hooking up with him, ever. But still, every time we saw each other we played Looky-loo. God, he was cute. Finally one night, emboldened by a just a bit of beer (actually a whole hell of a lot - I could drink many guys under the table when I was 18) I noticed he was making to leave. So I went outside and hung out around the front of the bar for awhile, smoking and waiting. He saw me sitting there, and since he was alone and I was alone, he came over. All the pressure was off, and we chatted for awhile. Then he asked me if he could kiss me, and I probably said something snotty like, "Well, after six months isn't it about time?" and he did, and then after fending off our well-meaning friends, we had a very magical one-night-stand (one word: shower. Need I say more?), a great breakfast the next day, and we never spoke again except to say hi sometimes.

That shows a little manipulation/orchestration on my part, also playing an ace, and he played one too by coming over to talk, and we had put in our fair share of research before. By the time we hooked up we both knew pretty well what we were in for. And it paid off. A few times, as I recall.


Fire Faerie said...

*Speed Racer! Hahahaha! That's perfect!

*Wow. You sure know a lot about picking up girls...perhaps the "gay poncho powers" are stronger than we thought...

*I believe you and I have been to that same bar at the lake, and we were definitely NOT the group to be with. The four kids we were tagging along must have just ruined our vibe. dang.

Ninja Globetrotter said...


Greg said...

basically, don't be a pussy. This isn't the 1600's and nobody is trying to court anybody or call women m'lady. Funny how i always refer to the 1600's for analogies. Good advice sex, I wish i was old enough to have a bar as my playground... Oh well, i'm in college its an even bigger playground.

christ*el #3tx said...

my new favorite pick up is this:

go up to cute boy who is unattached and look at him wildly in the eyes, clutch his bicep and breathlessly say, "where were you when i needed you? i almost got hurt" and proceed to make up some bullshit "a fight broke out in front of me and one of the guys nearly hit me" blah blah blah....

not only have you made contact, but you have touched his "knight in shining armor" nerve. now just sit back and enjoy.